Common Foster Parenting Myths - Children In Care
81We Can Help...If We See Truth...If We Believe
A Day In The Life of A Foster Parent
I've been a foster parent for over 18 years, now retired. Together, my husband and I have had hundreds of hours of training in the field of foster care, and then I have conducted hundreds of workshops myself for Oklahoma and Texas and other states across the nation regarding behavior in abused children, implications of separation on child development, family re-unification topics, and loss and grief.
Through the years, I've developed a keen sense of the myths that seem to exist about foster parents in general. Throughout all of my years of public-speaking, I have made a huge effort to increase an awareness of the reality of foster parenting. I hope my tongue-in-cheek and SLIGHTLY SARCASTIC answers to popular myths about foster parents are understood here. My sarcasm is meant to entertain, so please don't be offended.
There are many other mis-conceptions, and I will continue my efforts to inform the public and media about the many issues of foster care. To foster parents everywhere, I know the 24 hour work you do and the committment you make. I salute you and may God bless your life.
Take a deep breath, here we go:
Myth #1 "Foster Parents are in 'IT' for the money."
Are you nuts? Would anybody open their home, 24 hours a day to kids that don't sleep, throw tantrums, break and destroy almost everything they touch, don't recognize nor tell the truth about most things, are learning disabled, have been or are on drugs or alcohol, are sexually active or have experienced sexual abuse, have various annoying physical habits such as masterbating in public, cursing, picking various parts of their body, and either are completely un-sociable or extremely emotionally dependent, all for the pleasurable amount of about $300? (whew, that was a long sentence.)
That amount of money will not replace your broken furnishings, lost/stolen items, lost sleep, nor will it cover gasoline to and from doctor, counselor, or family visits, and certainly won't cover the increase in food and utility bills. And I won't even mention the times you're embarassed by behavior you can't explain to your neighbors, friends, and family because of having to keep their case information confidential.
Foster parents may be nuts, but they certainly aren't in "IT" for the money. Now, don't misunderstand me, occasionally, what passes through your front door is a completely sweet and engaging child. Just check their pockets before they leave. ( KIDDING ) I'm not bitter; just keeping it real.
A foster parent is helping children and families in crisis. Their challenges are raw, and unpleasant. They need strong people who can take reality work within that circle.
Myth #2 "Foster Parents should treat foster kids like they would their own."
WRONG. These kids are not yours. And, if your frequent trips to their case worker, the court, counselors, and their extended family members don't remind you of that, perhaps their out of control behavior will. It's perfectly healthy and even necessary, to let your own children know they are the "eternal" family, all other children are "passing through."
Foster children do not normally stay in your home more than 3 - 6 months, and take a close look at your own children. Do you think they would understand or want another child who entered the home for some help to be treated "like" them? Of course not. A foster parent is helping kids that have real, serious issues and problems. These kids "need" much more parenting than your own, or at least a different kind of parenting.
I know it sounds good to say "we treat them all like they're ours." And, if you're referring to shopping, being kind, having expectations for them to obey rules, than of course foster parents do that and in that way "all kids are alike." However, a child that has been a victim of child abuse, sexual abuse, and neglect has much different needs than a child who has had a more comfortable and safe life. There is no comparison and no competition. Treat foster kids kindly, firmly implementing the rules and safety conditions they need, and help them "normalize." But, in no way are they the same as your own kids. They don't need to be, to heal. Get the image of "making the foster kids have less of a life because they're not yours" out of your head. That's not what happens. Believe me, the foster kids will end up getting the larger part of your time, so be ready to explain that to your own children.
Not only does the state enter in and out of your life constantly, but the skills you use to raise your own children who have healthy foundations and are well grounded, only help you a little. You soon realize that you need to dig out a few more parenting tools from the toolbox for the foster kids.
And never forget, these kids are in care with one primary goal, FAMILY RE-UNIFICATION. All states have that as a priority, after safety, though it's not easy to detect it due to countless delays in case planning. Foster kids don't need you to be their permanent parent. They need you to FIRST keep them safe, THEN care, and FINALLY, be skilled in teaching them how to care and cope with their life.
I remember Raymond, age 13, came to me complaining one night that our own children were allowed to stay up later than they were. I said something like this to him "Yes, you're right, they are. You see, they share their most important possessions with you. US. So, after we spend a good portion of our day with you, we close the day by spending some special time with just them. You are here for some time with us, and then you will be going home one day. This IS our children's home, and we need to make sure the time they have to grow up includes time alone with their parents. Then, because we've 're-fueled', we're all able to nicer to each other, you included."
I hope you understand, but even if you don't, I won't apologize for spending time with my own children."
I repeated this as often as necessary to foster kids, who were always "measuring." I always said it with gentleness and a smile, but we remained firm. Our kids were forever. We were helping, but could not survive if we gave "ALL."
As a foster parent, it only takes a few times to see the pain of frequently sacrificing time with you, on the faces of your children, to teach you a valuable lesson of making time for your own "nucleus" family...your kids. I didn't go into foster parenting to cause my own children pain.
I mean, think about it. If we're falling apart, how can we help others? When we started having private family time, our children relaxed and seldom resented the sometimes trumatic and always dramatic intrusion of foster kids. These kids come with a lot of baggage, and it can have a huge impact on your own family. Hold your own kids a little more tightly, please. And drop the apology.
Myth #3 "I'd love to be a Foster Parent, but I just get too attached."
If I had a nickel everytime I heard that statement in the last 18 years, I'd be a rich woman. I never found the right come back, but I wanted to say something like "Not me, baby. In our house it's just 'out with the old and in with the new.' We don't get attached, they're just all numbers." or wait, "We're in it for the money."
Of course, I was being facetious and of course, we all cared. To imply that foster parents can let kids go because they don't get attached is simply not the case. But, we learned that these little kiddos are "people." To be truthful, some we cried over, and some we couldn't pack their bags fast enough when it was time for them to go.
One little 3 year old kept us hoppin'. She was enough to keep the Army and half the Marines up at night. She ate holes in the wall of our mini-van, broke furniture, smeared everything in sight with slobber and food, traumatized our pets, caused us to have a neighborhood search as she hid in a large plastic outside toy for 1/2 a day, and did unusual things with rolaids that I won't mention here. We threw a pizza party when she went home to grandma.
Loss is a foster parent's daily experience, in more ways than one. You must learn to care, and let go when it's time. And then, do it again.
Myth #4 "The term 'Foster Child' means the same as 'Adopted Child.'
No. We have two adopted sons who came to us first as babies in the foster care system, but we legally adopted them when they became legally free. Many times, people would refer to our foster children as adopted, using the two terms as one.
Foster kids are still in state care, adopted children are yours. Believe it or not, the kids of either situation are sensitive about the terms. I did many workshops with school teachers, and as we discussed the needs of foster kids in the classroom setting, this was an important piece.
Foster kids don't like the term "foster child," and adopted children really hate to be called "foster child."
Use labels sparingly. One to avoid completely is: "Is this one your REAL child?" That phrase brings back vivid memories of conversations with well meaning people...my comeback was "No, they're all fake."
Myth #5 "Foster Parents are kept hidden from the birth parents."
Except in extreme cases, this is no longer true. Soon after placement in the foster home, the foster child has visits with family members who are considered to be safe. Often in a matter of days or weeks, a visit with a safe parent or extended family member is set up to lessen the child's sense of abandonment. Many times, phone calls are allowed from child to family member, either from the social worker's office or later from the foster home under certain conditions.
Throughout the time of placement, the foster parent will have a role in the visit with the birth parent, often modeling healthy parenting skills, or exchanging information or other general conversation with the birth parent or family members. While their actual address may not be revealed in the beginning, it is not uncommon for family members, with approval from the state, to actually pick up the child from the foster home or another neutral place for visits. Safety is always the first consideration, but where possible, all parents are brought together for brief and later, extended times. That's progress.
And, yes, it can be very unpleasant for the child and parent at times, but it is overall, a healthier existence.
Myth #6 You can change these children's lives by bringing them to God.
NO. or maybe yes, but mostly NO. It's a noble thought, but here's the reality. Most of these kids have never known God, and if they do, they're mad as hell at Him. Don't worry - He understands. It's not your job to bring them to Christianity. At least not in an obvious way and let me further explain. Foster parents provide safety, clean living, compassionate caring. We try to help re-connect them where they've been disconnected.
We took our children to church. We tried to show them love, and examples of solid humanity and compassion, all Christ-like characteristics. But if you start preaching to them, or trying to convert them. they will shut you and God OUT. Maybe for a very long time or even a lifetime.
Picture this. You come upon a homeless person on the street. They are starving and curled up into a ball on the sidewalk. You say to them "Jesus loves you." Their reply if they can make one: "Yeah? Well, tell Him to send money, food and a blanket."
Foster kids want help. They don't trust you. They don't trust God and to start talking about Him will fall on deaf ears. First, you feed them, then you teach them by what you do, not by what you say. It's hard enough to explain why God allows misery to a spiritually engaged person, let alone one who can't speak the language.
Our goal was to open their hearts, so that one day they may want to know God. Saviors, missionaries if you will, come in different forms and they come slowly. First, we do no harm. That's maturity, that's wisdom; we gained it through the pain of parenting other people's children.
Can you parent under these conditions? If so, please open your home and your heart. They need you, but you will pay a price. It is good work, that never ends.
Come back soon, for more myth-busting-foster-parent-facts, and a few wild stories.
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lifesabeach4me, thanks for readiing!! Foster Care was quite an endeavor, and like most of life for all of us...thankfully most of the time we don't know what we're getting into !! LOL
Marisue, you are something! I raise my cup to salute you for doing what you did. I know it had to be hard at times, at other times very, very rewarding.
I never got into Foster parenting but I did have a child care business in my home ,while I raised my own 2 kids, for over 15 years so I can understand some of what you're talking about. Kids come in all shapes, sizes and textures. Some you can just love to pieces and others you can't wait to see the backside of.
Anoth Great Hub!!
hi ruthie....thank you so much...you know it was just something we did, we didn't feel particularly heroic at the time...looking back, I say to myself..."How did we do that???" Isn't that funny. hindsight is 20/20. could I do it again...eeek probably not. ignorance is bliss. we wanted to save the world in our late twenties.
gray hair is wiser now. LOL =0
Hi Marisue, That was a great article explaining what its like to be a foster parent! We fostered 1 little boy and it was a ride for sure. We thought we were pretty good parents until we got him and then we did have to pull all the extra parenting skills out that we didn't we had but we looked some up. The foster training didn't quite prepare us. After foster parenting I could never imagine anyone doing this for the money, and how anyone can think that is crazy. My friend does temporary foster care and I was always thinking she is too tough on them but I understand now, after living it and dealing with the system drove me crazy.
I wish you could get your article out to all the State Agencies that train foster parents, its really good and it explains a lot. Even the part about your own kids, it was hard finding time for our kids, and its hard to explain how but our little foster child 7 took so much work, like putting him to bed we had to have an elaborate routine like you might do with toddler and having to go talk to the principle every day because our child was so angry being moved so many times he was acting out the first 2 weeks of school they didn't know how to handle the situation.
We made some mistakes like not getting respite breaks, or starting couseling for us and our kids, we had been thinking about adopting. Also not knowing the different language that SW's have, you say one thing and they think you mean something else, very confusing and frustrating.
I just found this site tonight but I'm not sure how it all works but I was wondering if I could have a copy of this article. I'm supposed to meet with a Represenative from our State for coffee, she wants me to tell her what my experience was like being a foster parent and some other issues. But my story is so long and I get tongue tied and your article explains what it is like. I would like to foster again but my hubby and kids are so negative now but we learned so much and know how to be better foster parents but I can't without everyone on board. In a class one foster parent advocate told me if you are soft hearted this isn't for you. I have so much more respect for foster families now, I think they should be called Big Hearted Families and they deserve a lot of respect.
Big Hugs to you for what you do, healing broken hearted children.
Dana
I, too, am a foster parent and I will say, it is so very difficult at times. However I have to disagree with some of Myth #2. Telling a child that time up is for the biological children is just plain cruel. They haven't asked to be put in your home. Can you imagine how this would make them feel? As a former foster child myself, to be made to feel that you are not a part of any family - no matter how temporarily - has impacted me to this day. Please don't heed such advice.
Been there and done that. Thank you for putting it all in writing. One of our days, we got some colored children to take care of for a few days and it turned out to be for 18 months. We didn't see color but one of out friends ask if the child could love like a white one. How mad do you think that we got over that. We adopted two of our children after they had been turned lose from froster care. Yes they love like a white child. You go girl Thanks for putting it in black and white
Hi, while I agree with you on lost of your story, I disagree when you talked about letting your kids stay up later than the foster children.
If they are older yes, but just because they are bio, no. You can spend special time during the day with them, but to separate and "define a difference" is not correct.
These are "your children" for as long as they are there, and yes you can still do things for your bio children, but to put some to bed and let some stay awake, and to tell the foster child it is because they are will not be there forever, it is not a good thing to pass on.
They would love it if their parents were there to have special time with them, but their parents arent, you are.
I am a mother of 9.( plus the 10 that have left us to go to college, military, etc.) 4 bio and 5 teen foster sons.
We give them all special time, and buy ours some special treat, as the foster children get treats from their parents, but we do not draw a line, and separate, we are their family while they are here ( and still to some who leave).
Please, I have read all the great articles you have, and love alot of them, just dont label them (foster children) more than they already get labeled.
I hate to say it, but this article really makes me think that I can't be a foster parent. I don't think I can care for someone who steals from me and (basically) abuses me as a foster parent. Am I missing something?
It is terrible to tell these children who have already been so much that because they are only temporary they do not get the same priveleges as the biological children. They did not choose to come to you, their parents did that and you should show them the example of a loving caring parent. I have had 6 foster children so far in the last 7 months and one bio son. He loves all his brothers and sisters that come to live with us and I would be terribly sad if he thought that he was better or worth more attention simply because he had been handed a kinder life. Terrible example and I can't believe you would encourage other foster parents to do that.
This is a really awesome hub! I am a new foster parent, and this was very helpful. We are adopting our first foster child, which I know we are very fortunate to have this opportunity. This has caused us to realize we want to do this more. I am afraid of the heartbreak, but heartbreak is part of life. I look forward to reading some of your other hubs!
my first comment is for Lindsey.....i was a child in care who was bounced from family to family and the one family that sticks out in my mind and matters the most to me is the family who was honest with me and who gave respect and limitations i was treated different because i brought different stress and problems to that family. I believe firmly that a child in care should be treated differently than that of bio children, as i treat all my bio children different aswell. I have three children two step children and two foster children and each one is treated as they need but all get the same amount of love and not all at the same time. I work with high risk teen boys in shelters and i can tell you if i went to work and treated those kids as i do my own i would be walked all over and be running from weapons and fists. Sometimes the greatest form of love and compassion and caring means being tougher and more firm. After all most of these children never have rules or disipline and are spoiled cause of their situation and that will do them no good in the future. My next comment is about peoples fears of heartbreak........yes, it does and will happen but heartbreak is good it means you care and that child cares for you. When my first foster son left i cried for days and swore of foster parenting that was 5 years ago and guess what he still emails me calls me and i am in his eyes mom and in mine he is my son and that will never change. And as for the lady who started this site i give you two thumbs up. And as for people who come down on her take that energy and anger and direct it to the system that takes these children. They do more harm than good! Children are denied there rights and are mistreated in shelter and in foster homes and it goes unpunished because it looks bad. Ask yourselfs why there are childrens advocates but no parents advocates. And ask why if you see a child in care abused why the police will not get involved yet if the issue arised in a home with a parent the police are all over it. Challenge the system to make changes not the people who work for the system that care good and fair!
Great article! I have been a Foster parent for a little over three years and you have pretty much nailed "a day in the life of a Foster Parent". I do not think most realize the actual amount of WORK that goes into this and it is nothing like parenting your own child. It is a completly different set of rules (here in Canada anyway). Documents, appointments, behaviors, The Agency in particular are the biggest headache. However I do not agree with segregating the bedtime it is not something I would do to a child. but every person and parent is different so I respect that and it worked for your family and your Foster children understood and that's all that matters.
I'm a former foster child and you sound just like a foster mom I had. She, too, used to banish me from "family time". Every night, at 8 pm, I had to go to my room, while she and her husband spent family time with their kids. I was with them repeatedly because they thought it was a good idea not to be bouncing a kid around many homes. As far as I'm concerned, I just had two abusive homes instead of just my biologic one. I used to pray they'd already have a kid there, so I could just go to the group home or one of the other homes I rotated through, rather than have it rubbed in my face that I didn't belong. Seriously, if you're not a family member, you're a guest in the home, yet would you treat a guest that way?
Same vile woman assumed I was a theif, jumped on my every mistake and second-guessed everything I did("did you brush your teeth?--let me smell your breath", "did you put the garbage out?--did you close the lid?"), and made it no secret that she didn't like the fact that I got along with her bio-daughter, because I was a bad influence... And of course no foster kid was ever innocent in her eyes. Her kids had slide-locks on their bedrooms doors, and were required to lock themselves in at night. She was perpetually opening my door, of course without knocking because you don’t knock on doors in your own house, because if I wasn’t “up to something” I didn’t need it closed. She was also convinced that I was trying to seduce her son, because all girls in foster care are having sex, you know... We weren't allowed to be alone in the same room. Ever try to live in the same house with someone and never be in a room together? HE once got into trouble for telling her sarcastically that we'd been having an orgy on the counter when she caught us (*gasp*) both in the kitchen at the same time. To understand how paranoid she was you have to realize the kitchen was open to the living room where everyone else was. It was HUGELY embarassing to both he and I...
She once called my social worker and told her I was hoarding food, because I brought home a half-bag of cookies from the vending machine at school in my backpack and forgot about them. While she was lecturing at me about mice, her bio-daughter quietly disposed of a her left-over lunch from her backpack!
As far as the whole 'not doing it for money' thing, the money doesn't seem like much to an adult, but to a kid, especially one who's had to assume all kinds of adult responsibilities because of irresponsible parents (who control the money), it sounds like a fortune! The reason I think all too many foster parents do it is because of the reaction they get when they tell them that they're foster parents (and they always tell...). You can see it on this thread, the 'oh, you're such a good person' comments. Huge ego stroke.
i just got out of foster care a couple of days ago when my foster mom did me the biggest favour. she grabbed me, hit me, pushed me, and screamed in my face! that was probably the best thing that ever happened to me, now that im out of that house! foster care is the worst thing that could ever happen to a child. the worst part is that you arent treated as an equal to the family. in your eyes, you think its acceptable. i just want to let you know that you're a stupid bitch for thinking that.
Dear Natasha and Wisteria, I did not want to read this hub all the way through either. I wish things could have been better for you in foster care. Anne
Hi Holly1221
I understand your feelings. One thing I learned after many years fostering, is that the foster children come and go. You must protect your Nucleus family, and you do so by not letting the plight of the foster child make your own children feel less important. Our kids gave up alot. 30 minutes of alone parenting from us did not cause trauma to the foster kids.
Many opportunities existed daily to help the foster kids feel important. I did not believe they should feel a permanent part of our family, but rather an important addition for the period of time they needed us.
Foster kids normally wanted to be respected, and wanted eventually to be re-united with their family members, even relatives. We loved them, and with gentle explanations of differences within our family profile, they accepted it, knowing we had to "emotionally" feed our own family, so we would have something to give to them.
Foster children are often bottomless when it comes to receiving love, feeling like all you give is not enough. We quickly learned to give healthy amounts, while not losing touch with the forever family we were before fostering children from other families.
Reality is not the enemy, truth and gentlesness kept us all healthily connected.
I hear you, but I am giving you wisdom. It's not the foster family that takes a few moments to spend with their own children daily that has made the foster kids feel alone; and we can not be the complete solution. We can make it better, but not by giving everything.
If you work, earn money, buy food, and prepare a meal, and then see one who is hungry, and give all your food to them, where will your energy to work tomorrow come from? How can you share again tomorrow, if you cannot work today?
Give with wisdom, keeping enough for your own needs so you can give again tomorrow.
Be well, and know that some hurts just don't go completely away. Foster parents are only a piece of the solution.
Hi Jennifer,
This touches a nerve, I know. Believe me, it's a wonderful sounding world to say that the foster kids should be treated as your "bio" -- which didn't apply to us in reality, because 2 of our 3 were adopted. and yet, to us all were "bio" if "bio" is defined as "real."
Meeting the needs of foster kids was not "mostly" defined as not dividing time between kids. Not only were we foster parents, but we had full time jobs, so for us, dividing time in the evenings worked. All kids received individual attention, and I make no apologies for giving my children a piece of the evening that was just theirs.
Foster kids were referred to as "children staying with us for a while" and they often called us Mom and dad, their choice. Often they called us by our first names. I did not demand either, and our atmosphere was built on friendliness and inclusion...which consisted of healthy individual time for all, INCLUDING our own kids receiving individual time. I repeat, foster kids are temporary, and we loved them by being focused on their needs of truth, gentleness, and preparation for life. Pardon my humor if I state that it wasn't like we were throwing a party in the living room after they went to bed. It was warm, loving connection that our kids needed too.
We used all the terms "
brother,sister, etc." But when push came to shove, it was our kids we were scarring, if we didn't take time to help them process such deep sharing that was required from them every waking or sleeping moment of every day.
I trained this subject and I get your point, but I stand on the statement "Take time to strengthen your own so you can give healthy amounts of love to others."
Everyday we wrote emotional paychecks to all who lived within our home. In order to do that, we had to make emotional deposits in the bank. And we did, for 18 years.
Wisteria, it's quite understandable that you transfer some of your anger to me. Foster parents are often found lacking by foster kids, because we just can't set everything to right. I tried my best.
I tell others about being a foster parent, to give credibility to a parenting behavior I might be discussing. After all those kids, unfortunately those words come into play: "expert" "praise" "admiration."
It's common to admire others for what they do....personally I admire Astronauts. I can't imagine anyone having the courage to leave the Earth, tho' I've often wanted to LOL.
I admired foster kids, frankly. I think they had the courage of Astronauts. They were required to fly above a lot of trash and pain, and land softly by being a productive citizen in spite of all. That's pretty tough. I came from parents who seemed not to have problems of alcohol and drugs, so I didn't have to develop the courage of foster kids. I did have other challenges, but tried to give back to society the best way I could.
I hope you will find something that perks your heart and inspires you to give back to others in a way that makes you feel good. Perhaps you already have.
I think all of us should spend time figuring out how to make the world a little better by the sweat of our brow, and heart.
I taught foster parent classes for years and years...hoping to weed out the screamers and demeaners who had found their way into the foster parent system. I saw foster parents who punished kids with less food, less clothing, less Christmas, less "rights."
I don't, nor did the foster kids for very long, view time in the evening with our own kids as "less." With the exception of those kids who were extremely troubled, most kids loved us,I think, and left our home walking a little taller and stronger.
Taking time for our own kids made us better foster parents. Our kids were able to give at a higher quality level because they were filled up when they were running low.
We didn't create the problems the foster kids had, nor could we make everything better. I, with others, lobbied the state legislature for better funding, so that foster kids had a larger clothing allowance and we could afford a few name brands. I joined with others to create a class that taught teachers to be gentle and aware of family issues and be sensitive to the requiring of baby pictures for class projects as well as other language or labels that might offend kids in care.
I was not alone, many wonderful and giving foster parents helped the system improve every year by their sacrifices and ideas. I wish you had received better foster parenting. Even those parents who spent an hour or so a night with their own children who would be there when you were long gone. Perhaps that is not your wish, but it is mine, for your past.
And, thanks to all of those who gave praise to foster parents, and ask any foster parent and they will tell you this: Thanks, but it was really the kids who were the heroes, and yes, including my own.
Hi K1029: I appreciate your view. Actually, individual time was the goal, and evening was appropriate, a good end to the day for everyone. The foster kids all had individual time before they went to bed, and we extended it to our own. That's it in a nutshell, and you'll find that within a healthy foster family, if you're going to be in it for the long haul, you'll run two families in one.
It worked, it was healthy, and we all were emotionally fed. The kids would soon begin to say, "After you have your kid time, could you come help me with ...." and we did.
Just to add a further point, our door was a revolving one....what am I teaching my own children, if I show no difference to them and the kids from other families? Don't picture burgers and steaks...just picture early steaks and late steaks.
All were loved as human beings on the planet. All were respected. Others went off to live their life with as much strength as I could give ...
and mine are still here...
Hi Lindsey, there are so many ways to measure...and kids are constantly measuring. I taught children in my classroom that measuring is a sure way to feel shorted.
I never ever said nor implied to Foster Kids that they didn't get Privileges that bio kids did. I simply stated that because our kids shared their home and parents, we had to re-charge in the evenings, and spending an hour alone was the way we did it. Often, the foster kids were watching tv, or enjoying their quiet time - not feeling slighted. At least it never came out in arguments, and it would have. They were not ever hesitant to verbalize what was bothering them
Perhaps we were just great diplomats.
I hear stories of disasterous outcomes from foster parents who gave too much that they were running on empty and how it scarred their kids and family relationships... which is just as bad as the foster parents not giving enough.
Balance, respect, understanding of differences. Nothing is ever completely "fair or even" but it can be understood and pleasant.
Hi Natasha,
It's your right to think me a stupid
B, and I can tell you just got out of foster care. Sounds like you had a very hard experience. Your future is brighter than you might think; and tho' you don't need my encouragement, I'll give it anyway.
I hope you will use your great inner strength for good.
Hi Liitle Grandma,
We parented many children from different races, and one little bi-racial boy is a dear memory. His mother, a white female, had a black boyfriend who abused her and the boy, his son.
Long story short, we loved him, but again, he was not "ours." He would be returning to his mother, as soon as she worked out her case plan, and so our focus was to make him feel loved, needed, and worthy. He went home strong, and hugged us saying "Thanks for saving my life."
That's far more important than an early bedtime, which didn't seem to scar him nor lower his self esteem. He was precious, and I often wonder what happened to him...his mother didn't make very wise decisions about life. I hope his father learned how to parent, or left him alone, one.
(I know what you mean about not seeing color, we didn't either, in that sense. Obviously, there were cultural differences that we tried to help him keep....
Now here's a comment some may misunderstand. We didn't treat him as tho he were "white."
We treated him like a human being, with a cultural background that deserved respect as did our own.
Hi Ann,
You just said the whole point. It's not the golden haired, blue eyed child perfectly behaved "glad to be in your home" child we parented.
You could do it tho, but you just have to understand the reality of abuse and the role of the foster parent...
You don't understand because of the bubble. There is a foster child/care/parent bubble, where life is beautiful because you're parenting another's child. A child who has their own behavior due to their past....and sometimes the reality just doesn't fit the bubble.
We want to think it's a joy ride. But, if you're going to parent a kid who needs you, you might be parenting a child who hits, bites, steals, does drugs, curses, screams, lies, and says they hate you.
All about bedtime or homework time, or in the store shopping time. I had one who masturbated in public on the grocery store floor. Embarrassed?
Well, it's reality. Did we need a little family break in the evening? Yep. Did we take it? Yep,
So, for those who got upset about the reality in this hub, I guess that's the difference between me and you. I parented those kids, and didn't scream in their face, nor say I hated them, nor feed them dog food.
I just hugged them when they calmed down, ignored ugly looks from those who didn't parent those kinds of kids, and spent an hour hugging my own a little tighter at night...
I did my best...and perhaps more importantly, I did something besides criticize others who did something. and I was damn good at it...
I just wanted to add that while I appreciate any praise, there is no amount of praise that can compensate for the pain and price of foster parenting, felt both by the child and the foster parent.
No foster parent would go into it for the praise, nor stay in it for that reason.
It's not easy, it's not without a price. I'm glad we did it; I have 3 wonderful sons, and hope to meet all the kids again one day in the great beyond.
I will not color it glittery gold. It was some of the hardest down in the gutter/dirt/ditch work I ever did. If anyone thinks dealing with victims of sexual abuse, drug abuse, crimes, stealing, habitual liars, theft, physical abuse, and even mental disabilities is a pretty walk in the park, they are not in the real world.
You better take every moment you can with your own family to keep them as normal as possible in this environment.
Do not go into Foster Parenting with eyes shut. The kids, yours and others, need you alert, kind, energetic, smart, and real.
Hi angela, the reason I wrote it, is to tell the truth and to show that there are sacrifices required - foster parenting like being a foster child, is a ruff ride.
If you're strong, and willng to keep your own kids safe emotionally and physically, you can help many children who will pass thru your home.
I'll be thinking of you...
I disagree. My in laws did foster care an still keep in tuch with there forster kids they even have one that calls them mom an dad an he is 23 an calls my husband his brother. An about the money they lived the same way they always did an thet both had jobs. We have friends who just got into it. An they went from a $180,000 house to a $300,000 house both quit there jobs an got two new cars. An you are saying that people don't do it for the money? Maybe not all do. But alot do it for the money an to have the kids do the work so the parent dosnt have to.
Amanda plus 3, you are very right that some people who are foster parents do not have the best motives. I trained foster parents in 3 states, regularly and in many states nationally. During that time, I witnessed parents I would have loved to see OUT of the system. However, for the most part, I witnessed huncreds of dedicated, sacrificing parents who shared the deepest and most important part of themselves with troubled families and kids. I speak mostly about, and to them, honoring those, as the others don't deserve it.
We too are in contact with many of our foster kids, and cried rivers of tears over them all, whether they seemed to make progress or not. I don't think I implied anything different than that. A foster parent's front door is a revolving one. Our "own" ( I say that so you'll know who I'm talking about) children were young and needed reassurance and education along the journey so they remained anchored. They, too, shared a piece of themselves that would be difficult for most adults to manage. That requires constant reinforcement and discussions and attention.
We wore many hats, and I'm happy to say that I believe we gave deeply to all who were living in our home, as well as imparting our experience to others.
None of this is to brag about myself, tho I make no apology for braggiing about my sons, but rather to help clarify any of my comments you were thinking about.
Foster parenting is an admirable and needed journey. It is not an easy one, for the kids nor the parents, and those who pass through the doors of caregiving, need information frequently...eyes wide open!
Good luck, be safe, and be well.
This was a well-written article and I appreciate you writing it. Unfortunately, the reality of foster care is, at times, quite ugly and the truth of it sometimes hurts.
But, as a former foster care alumni, and as a parent who tried to become a foster parent, this life is not very easy. Two people in a committed relationship have to make huge adjustments to their lives in order to suspend judgment for the reality of how life is, or is not, working for all parties concerned, even if their children are grown.
Also, when government/state/local priorities get involved, as they always do, life gets even more difficult for those of us who really wish to make life more livable for foster kids.
Thanks for a great article! Keep the faith! From someone who knows the gritty realities of foster care from both sides, Thank you for what you do! And, for further help with an organization that really benefits ALL of us, check out FosterCareAlumni.org OR Dave Thomas (of Wendy's restaurant fame) adoption and foster care services. Pass it on!
Your are a cruel and evil woman and I cant believe that DHS would even let you have a child in your home. I am a foster parent and would never treat a child this way. This home is abusive and you should be ashamed.
I have been a foster parent for a sibling set for almost a year. I have decided that the DFS workers for them don't give a crap what happens to them. with a combination of that and fighting them all summer to let me move one of the kids to the school near the house because the one the decided on wasn't doing there job.
I have felt like i spent the last year fighting to keep them safe from DFS and the stupidity. this hasn't even touched what foster kids go though maybe scratched the surface. after the class I went to today I know Im not the only one that has felt like abused puppet. as a foster parent i feel like they should hear what I see and care. but I have been told the whole time that the kids that are with me all the time are nothing like they are. DFS has made up there own store and stuck the kids faces on it. 90% of there profile is false.
Im so done with the the crap that falls out of the mouths every time there in my house. though i love these kids more then anything i cant wait for it to be over im done.
sorry angry rant.
You've opened my eyes,
You've helped me realise,
Despite what everyone believes and what I have been told,
The world is cold.
Don't get too comfortable with where you are or who you've got cuz tomorrow it can all be gone,
Nothing is permanent no one can be counted on.
People are thrown aside when they need help most,
If it's not easy to help you, you might as well be a ghost.
I'm sick of the people saying they care,
I'm sick of needing them and them not being there.
Regardless of what people may say love is just a lie,
If it's inconvenient they will just say goodbye.
Hatred is the only thing that is real,
It's the only thing I will ever feel.
Foster care is bullshit it teaches a kid that they aren't ever gonna have a real family. The kids get bounced around so much it might be better if they were on the street at least then no one would pretend to care. It's all a lie foster parents don't give a crap. I have been in homes where the foster parents molest, beat up, and emotionally scar kids and no one does anything to stop them.
I don't believe in judging someone until I have walked in their shoes, but when I read the part about the the child who wanted to know why he had to go to bed early and reading the response, I almost starting crying for that child. I think the biggest myth with fostering is that there is something wrong with the children. The children were removed because the parents were a mess, not the kids.
good for you are an angel :) lol!!
Defending myth 2#,foster children are allowed to spend special time with their biological parent(s),no one complains about that. Is it not right to honor your own children in the same way. No worker has ever called me and invited my bio children to my foster children's parenting visit. What time of the day you spend special time with your bio children would depend on the time you and your children are availiable.
Each one Teach one
I do NOT agree with you. I truly feel sorry for the children in your home. And yes, I have foster children.
You guys are doing a wonderful job keep the great work up, i must say i'm a foster parent and i'm from Australia i had a beautiful 14month old baby girl who was in our care long term we had her for 9months i also had 1 boy age 6 who also was placed long term with us we had him for about 2months we also had 3 girls that were sisters whom were with us short term, and then there is my beautiful bio daughter whom is 7, i have just lost all the foster care kids because of one of the sisters was very high needs that was always self harming herself and ended up burning hands then the JIRT TEAM had started there investigation which has been going for over a month now 2 days after the sister burnt her hands the other 2 sisters were removed from my care, i still had my long term kids and was told that they wouldn't be removed from my care but with all this going on Docs came across my police file and seen there was an assult charge on there to which they had contacted my agency to see if they know about it and they didn't so they came out and took my long term kids away until i had my court hearing now please i must let you all know i'm not crazy the assul charge was because i used words (ONLY WORDS) at a woman that had been going at me and my family for sometime now she had even tried to run my 7 year old down with her car i was trying to get help from police before we ended up having words but the police wouldn't help me 2 days after this crazy woman tried to run my daughter down drives passed me and yells out next time i will hit your daughter i will not miss her to which this had upset me because i love my kids and will protect my kids with my life, i had tried getting the police to help but they wouldn't do there job so i went up to the ladys car window and asked her what was her problem i hadn't done anything to her so why are you bothering me and my family she started saying some disgusting stuff to which this got me pissed off so i said some out there disgusting stuff back to which this had upset me to this was not who i am, after the words had stopped i went into my kids school and spoke to a teacher to let her know what had taken place as i was upset and had enough of the fact that none was helping me and now this has happen i also called the police to report this and they said they had a call from the lady as well and there coming out to talk to us both i then found out i'm being charged as she taped my part but not hers so all this went to court and i was cleared so i believed i was getting my long term kids back but i found out 2days ago that there not coming back which has come to massive heart broke for me they say there not putting them back in my care because of the JIRT INVESTIGATION STILL PENDING which i dont understand why that should come between us as i had done nothing to the child/children and they were happy to leave my long term children with me before finding out about the assult change and now even with the court matter over they say no kids are not coming back our little baby girl only knows us as mum and dad and big sis i'm on a fight now to try and get help to get our beautiful foster baby back i'm reaching out for anyones help to who i can go to or for there stories to be told please if you can help me out or tell me your storie please drop me an email at sharna_bloom@hotmail.com i feel you guys have got lots of experience so if you can help please let me know
thank you
I grew up a ward of the state and had amazing foster parents.. All I can say is that I am glad you were not one of them. I do agree with somethings that you said. I went to all of these meetings with my foster parents and have heard horror stories like these. Yes some parents do it for money and don't properly care for the children. Yes some are mean. I cannot believe that you would be so cruel to tell a child that you were excluding them from family time because they are not your children. You know how that would feel to a child. First my parents didn't want me and now you bring me into your home to shun me too. The questions Who Wants ME??? Being nice and acting like you care is not enough!...
I am a former foster child of only one family. I was only there for 2.5 years (at 16) but 26 yrs later am still a part of the family. I don't know if you are aware of it but you speak of foster children as if they are less than. My foster family would never have segregated me at night, I can't imagine how that would make one feel. I met many people who worked with at risk children when I was one. Some of them clearly did not see us as people in crisis just like they might be had they been through what we had been. You seem like one of those people. I really question whether you should be advising people about foster care.
I sought this site because I have a biological son and want to foster to adopt another child and am concerned about transitioning my son as I bring another child into the mix (I would feel the same about another bio). I would spend time alone with both children. I certainly wouldn't have a separate bed time for the "real" children. You could spend time alone with your bio or adopted kids in a more sensitive manner. This just seems ungracious and disrespectful.
foster care is not for everyone ,its sad when a child has been abuse, i have a heart toward that and it make me sad that it happen. being a foster parent can be rewarding,however if i can not teach a child ,and this child telling me what i can't do or tell them but they are hitting kicking lying stealing, thats something i myself cant do ,i always tell the child i know you had it hard and i'm here to help you in anyway ,but you have no rights to treat me bad , i will do anything for a child but i will not allow them to abuse me because they can get away with it,anyone who want to foster need to think long and hard, think about what you bringing in your life if you are a quite peace person and need to have that in your life foster care is not the thing to do
As a foster parent, my approach is to make a positive impact in the life of every child that is placed in my home. As a foster parent, I become the voice who speaks out for the children while in my care. I conscientiously navigate the foster care system in expectation that every service needed for my children to prosper will be obtained while in my care. I also, have the opportunity to work with and become a part of a team of Human service professionals; who are all working on the behalf of the foster children.
I have worked with many different foster care population groups; severe autism, Sever bipolar disorder, developmental disable, cerebral palsy, HIV Infected, teenagers, tweens, assisted living for boys and girl. The blind and hearing impaired. In my opinion, what I found to be congruent in working with each population group is listed below;
• All children can benefit from parents or caregiver; providing human interaction that is equitable and based on love, empathy, kindness, patience. Implementing quality time that is shared collectively with other children as well as providing needed individual time.
• All children can benefit from parents or caregiver; showering a child with words of encouragement, modeling positive family dynamics that will build trust, develop self-esteem, and build strong character that will be positive and productive for the child’s future development.
• All children can benefit from parents or caregiver; providing a stable home foundation that is conducive to allowing a child the opportunity to bond in a family structure.
Your passion can change the world!!! one foster child at a time.
Absolutely fabulous article, thanks very much. It's just what I needed
Hey,
my name is Sarah. From the start of this article I knew it was going to be insulting for foster children including myself. I believe yes foster parent are sometimes what you say ''in it for the money'' as why would they be getting paid then, if they want to take a child into their homes with all the problems of having a child they shouldn't be paid for that. Unless they need the money. I am very isolated in the family that is fostering me. They complain about making a dinner, or dropping me to school and I let them and I have found out that is wrong and they shouldn't be emotionally abusing me. They call me horrible names reminding me of the my birth family and I have been asked to leave for asking to be treated nicely. I dont know what to do. I'd like to have a normal life and I am not a difficult teenager. I out of many foster children I've heard of amn't hard to deal with. I am very quiet my friends drink and I will say I have twice but I take a sip or two. I try and enjoy my life and do the best I can but I'm turning into depression from coming home from school tired, then being knocked down by my foster mom. I'd just like for people to know it isn't easy for us and we should be treated like normal kids. I have been pushed away by friends for being different and fostered. There is a lot to deal with for foster children and carers. But I would say if you don't want to help these children in your own homes and care for them like loved ones, you shouldn't be a foster parent..
my son has been in care for 6 months it was supposed to be just over 3mnths and now s services have been draggin their heels and its got to the point where my 9 yr old son has got too comfortable and for some reason he says he does not want to see me, this is worrying, and not only that i dont trust the s/worker, i have done everything they have told me to do, what are they playing at and my solicitor is not impressed and on their case!
lifesabeach4me 4 years ago
Wow. This will be a reality check for some people. You and your husband are very courageous for engaging that side of humanity.