A Pint-Sized Tornado

About Emily, A Toddler In Control

Many children we had in care stand out in

memory, some because we missed them, other's because

of their behavior.

I used to think that there wasn't a small

child I couldn't handle,given a bit of time.

uh, huh.  Well, ignoranc e is bliss.

And then along came Emily. A little whirlwind.

A small tornado in a cute wrapping.  Looks are

deceiving. I had finally met the girl I couldn't

handle.  I admit it.  Take her, someone please.

Here's the story, see for yourself.

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"I behave!" was the frequent outcry of a little toddler we had in our home as a foster child. Aren't little kids just the neatest thing to be around? Well, I used to think so. I will admit that little kids we think are onery and unruly, "ain't misbehavin'." Most of the time, they are exploring and active and we just have a hard time keeping up with their pace.

If it's age and stage behavior, shaping and directing is the way to go, with mild consequences designed to get their attention, but gently. Being too permissive or too harsh runs the risk of aiding and abetting whining and demanding toddlers, too soon to be teens. Now, all that sounds good, right?

I knew what to do...but with this little kiddo, it just didn't "take." The nightmare begins...

First, just so I don't sound inhumane, let's remember that "the terrible twos" is not so terrible if we keep a sense of humor and our home safe for their adventures. Toddlers are quick to sense their power. We want them to explore; learn; be safe and happy.

In all my years of parenting, I never discovered how to tame a toddler's energy. Mostly, I just tried not to pull my hair out, not to mention theirs. Remember, the foster parent system for 17 years was our learning laboratory, teaching us many parenting skills as we learned from others and from our mistakes.

The Buddy System is a LifeLine

We found that many foster parents seek and find a mentor within their foster parent group. Because of the unique challenges of foster parenting, a buddy in the system can be of great value. One day, I was chatting with another foster mom, listening to her funny yet serious tales of trying to control a toddler who had recently been placed in her care. She mentioned how difficult this little person was to parent, and I was sympathetic.

Yet, I remember thinking that how can a little tiny 3 year old be that hard to handle? Well, soon, I had an opportunity to find out. In my later years of parenting, I learned to be a bit more careful about spouting off regarding my parenting skills. Doesn't life always have a way of humbling us?

This one little person, taught us a lot about supervision and predicting behavior. A parent can never rest.

Know When To Say No

You can say "no" so often it lacks meaning, and you can neglect to say it enough, totally ignoring misbehavior that can later become serious, harder to correct, or even dangerous. During my journey as a foster parent/trainer, I found that most of the time "no's" were not backed up by consequences, nor were they linked to any reason the child could understand and apply to a future incident. Is it power, or is it teaching?

Of course, as parents, I often say that by the time we know what we're doing, we're out of a job. We were soon asked to take a young one, who was what the child welfare worker labeled "challenging." "She's got a cute little pixy face and is full of energy." the case worker said. "Awww," I thought. "Bring her on. We can take it." I replied.

I was full of confidence as my parenting skills flashed before my eyes. We made the house ready, or so we thought. "Ready" in no way described the parenting this little one would require.

In came Emily. 3.5 years old and traveling at the speed of light, she ran around the living room touching everything in sight saying "I behave, I behave." Huh? What did this mean and how could I "catch" her? After several tries, I finally grabbed her arm and said, "Whoa! We walk in the house. Watch. Do what I do, follow, follow me."

And so began the first of many lessons for dear Emily. We taught:

walking slowly
what could be picked up
what could not
how to talk
how and why to not scream
how to pet the dog (Oh the poor dog!)
how to stay in the room
how to sit still for 2 minutes, then 3 then, well we never got over 3, sorry to say

She reminded me of a yo-yo; up and down and spinning around. I began to believe in medicating the young...I had visions even. Dreams, cravings, desires for little pills to calm her down. (teasing, sorta)

Stages of Child Development

"Oh that's normal," you say. No, Emily gave new meaning to the name "terror." Our home soon took on a shredded look and our days were long and full of chasing Emily. I don't think I ever said "no" so often before or since that little girl.

One day we were "Driving Miss Emily" back home from a visit with Grandma. Hers, not ours. We all had high hopes that Emily was going to be placed with Grandma. Soon.

But, I digress. Among Emily's many skills, was coming out of a seat belt in 2 seconds flat and frequently. Now, this was not a child you wanted loose in a mini-van traveling 60 miles an hour down the highway. Under the seat, over the seat, behind the seat, giggling, moving, Emily. All the while, saying "I behave, I behave."

Someone had taught her that was the thing to say to avoid punishment, I suppose. Finally, there was quiet. We thought we should stop the car and strap her in, but the temptation to enjoy the quiet for a few miles, was too powerful.

Good Consequences for Bad Behavior

In a few minutes, we got the sense that something was not right. We pulled over. Lynn then put his great skills at investigating to work (he's a retired cop). He got out of the car and opened the side door to investigate(see how good he is?). He soon discovered what had occupied Emily.

"Oh no!" he screamed. He shut the van door and began to pace around and around the car (all good cops do that, really. Do not be alarmed.) I crawled into the back of the van to see for myself (all cops' wives do that, too.) "Oh no!" I screamed. (What a team!)

I got out of the car and walked around too. I couldn't believe it. My brand new van! My-first-brand-new-car-in-eighteen-years van!

Little miss precious "I Behave!" 3.5-year-old Emily was very busy gnawing holes in the vinyl wall of the van. Yep. I didn't know that 3 year olds had vampire strength teeth, and I had finally met the 3 year old I could not control.

Welcome to the world of foster care. Add this piece of destruction to the other car incidents and it totaled up to: cars stolen, cars wrecked, cars stolen, cars chewed, cars thrown up in, cars hidden. Foster parenting was becoming an interesting and costly profession.

We strapped her into her car seat, rather tightly, but legally correct. She kept looking from my face to Lynn's. I think she was in shock. I know we were. I kept sighing, trying to find something positive to say. Even Emily was silent.

Finally, I came up with, "I think her Grandmother said she was going to court next week. She'll probably be placed there soon afterwards. Two weeks, maybe."

Silence. Then Lynn said, "That long, huh." (Did I mention he was a very good cop?)