Losing Our Home To Fire, Taught Coping
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Disaster, Fear, and the Future
Are you sad, depressed, in the middle of divorce, over-worked, or just plain worried?
Here's my story, and I hope it helps.
Crisis leaves us feeling confused, often not knowing what to do next. The secret to stress management can seem elusive and unattainable. If your current situation seems too large for you to handle and you feel tied up in knots, take heart. Slow down for a minute; take some deep breaths, and give yourself permission to not have to solve the problem immediately. Decide to just survive for the moment, so you can work towards a better solution as time permits.
Loss Experiences Equal Change Equals Crisis
Some years ago, when our 2 youngest sons were about 11 and 12, we lost our home to fire. A bathroom heater had faulty wiring and caught the wall on fire, which resulted in destroying our home, killing our pets, and throwing us completely into chaos. My husband was working for the US Marshall's office at the time and was out of town, on assignment in Washington DC.
After my numbing phone call to his office, they got word to him, and he flagged down an empty charter bus just passing by, and flew home, arriving to burning ashes and a safe but disoriented family.
For the first time in my life, I was not able to think or act. I felt grateful we were alive, but so upset that we had lost everything. My boys were blaming themselves for leaving the heater on, and I was trying so hard to console them. "Accidents happen, " I said. "It's part of life. It's not your fault."
The Absence of Home
Our home gone, we did not have a place to go to sit down and put a plan together. Neighbors, strangers, friends and our church were lifesavers. My friends from church would literally take my hand, lead me to a place to sit, and tell me what they were going to do. I felt as if I were a robot. Nothing was familiar, not the beds we slept in nor the clothes we wore. I had to let others lead me.
Help Arrives and Arrives and Arrives
Numbly, we got through the next few hours and days. Truckloads of items were coming from all directions. My dad and stepmom came to see what they could do and my mom said in disbelief "I don't have anything to do. I've never seen such a response from any church anywhere. It's positively amazing." My stepmom was a good ol' Baptist woman, and she was totally shocked at what she witnessed. She continued to say "I've seen barn raisings with fewer people than this!" We laughed and laughed. (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints made quite an impression those weeks.)
Regardless of where your help comes from, accept it...use the time to re-group.
Within 3 days, we had a rent house in the country, a house full of necessities such as appliances, food, clothing, bedding. After talking with our Bishop, we arrived at the rent house, to find a cleaning crew from church vacuuming and receiving the first few truck loads of donations from church members, friends, and even people we didn't know. One elderly man came to our door with a whole set of dishes and said, "Here. My wife and I saw the fire trucks come. We felt so bad. We want you to have these."
Intervention is just a fancy term for letting others help. Miracles do happen, normally through other people answering the call, whether internal or outward. Right after the fire, my children and I sat hugging each other, looking in amazement at how everything we owned was turned to ash.
Our beloved pets were gone, and though we were safe, our hearts were broken. As bad as I hated to see my kids suffering and crying with sadness, I knew that we needed to grieve. Protecting our children from real feelings is not really protecting them. I made murmuring sounds something like "It'll be ok. We're strong. We can get things back that we lost. It hurts, it's scarey, yet we have the most important things. Each other. We'll get through this. We have time." We tried to laugh at the thoughts that are precious pets were chasing butterflies, balls, and bugs, somewhere.
Letting others know of our need and situation, resulted in the solution being brought about by the generosity of others and I learned a very vauable lesson. Let go, Let others, and Let God. It was hard to have someone else put my life back together.
I was so independent and normally gave help. I didn't know how to receive. I learned it's okay to need someone's help. It was very humbling and unforgettable.
Fight, Flight, or Freeze
We hear and read of the "fight or flight" inclination when stressed or afraid...but fear can also freeze us. When stress hits us, we can experience a "brain freeze" that keeps us from thinking clearly. When that happens, give in for a moment and let some of it out through either tears, or talking with a friend or loved one.
Change is all around us. Personal or Professional change can cause a crisis. Crisis enters everyone's life and in today's world, sometimes it seems that we go from one tough situation right into another.
Whether it's losing someone you love, losing a job, or another kind of change, we can be consumed by the pain and stress. We naturally fight the pain and push it away, but it just comes right back until we deal with it. Giving yourself permission to cry and be upset is actually healing. It hurts to cry, but crying also relieves the pain, and even though it will come back, it gradually gets a little easier to think and problem solve.
When hit with a problem, resolve to "Bounce Back!"
One Step At A Time - Chunk It Up!
Are you frozen in time? Here are some steps that will help move you through your stress:
- First, take care of your physical body.
- Shock affects your body in negative ways; you may not sleep, you may feel pain all over, your muscles may be stiff, you may experience a number of sensations and problems. Deal with shock first.
- Nibble on some comfort food such as: oranges and berries, guacamole, mixed nuts, asparagus, and dark chocolate.
- Drink some hot tea, such as lavender, decaf chai, chamomile or peppermint for it's calming effects, or green tea for over-all health.
- Say a prayer, clean a room, and take a walk or even a drive if someone else can do the driving.
You may not feel like doing any of these things, but you need the endorphins that physcial exercise releases. Those endorphins will help you calm down and until you're calm, you won't be able to take the action necessary. Doing normal things during abnormal times is like dropping an anchor to settle a boat. Don't skip this step and repeat it everytime you feel yourself sinking.
2. Ask for help. Don't try to do everything yourself.
- Gather close to a friend, but think about who you rely on carefully. You need a friend who won't make your stress worsen. Call someone who is strong, a good listener, and doesn't have a lot of personal issues going on as well. They need to be able to keep confidences and give guidance.
- Take care of your emotions, as they interfere with problem solving. Let it out through talking or shedding tears; giving yourself enough time to feel calmer.
- Put off decisions until you're calm and run them by a trusted friend for review and a second opinion.
3. Use Self Talk! Say things to yourself that give you control and peace. Say something like:
- "I'm ok."
- "I can do this."
- "I'll think of something in a little while that will help."
- "I'm not alone. I may feel alone, but I am not really alone."
- "Everyday will bring me closer to the solution or peace."
- "It's ok not to know what to do. This problem will unfold one thought at a time."
- "I will ask others for help."
Repeat often.
When you've reached a more calm place, begin to write down your thoughts and then pick out possible actions and solutions from them.
Call up your sense of humor, even if it's long distance. (ok, that's a joke.) Laughing releases stress!! Decide who can provide you with solid, sensible, "can-do" advice. Call or go see them.
Realize the cycle of crisis can repeat, and you may go back and forth between peace and panic. Following the same procedure each time will give you consistency and power: take care of physical self first, then the emotional, then seek help again.
Burning UP Our Life
Where There Is Smoke, There's Fire!
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Break It Up!
Breaking Stress Into Manageable Pieces
4. Chunk it Up! Big pain leaves us feeling small and powerless. When there is a lot to do, break it up into sections.
Think of how you would go about cleaning out the garage, or planning a festive occasion. What would you do first? What would be the hardest? What is the easiest? Who would you delegate to?
When caught up in the emotions of something painful, we forget that the same organizational skills that we use everyday can also carry us through difficult times. Again, break down a "big" problem into smaller, more manageable chunks. Your list might include three or more chunks: 1) Today: What I Can Do Myself, 2) Today: I Need Help With, 3) Tomorrow.
I've named this the PEP approach. Basically, you want to be physically ok, emotionally supported and in control, and have a plan of action. Think of small things first, and gradually get to the tough, big picture. Realize too, that sometimes things can't be "fixed" completely, but they can be managed and improved. Stick with it, and be good to yourself.
Author's Note: If you are really feeling depressed, and if the feeling seems to worsen, please consult a doctor or counselor so they can decide if medication or counseling will be beneficial.
Read other posts on relationship help and crisis intervention. Nutritional Information and Healthy Food Choices are an important part of bouncing back from crisis.
You'll note that I've mentioned several tips several times, saying the same thing in different phrases or ways. When in crisis, repetition of steps to take is important as we just don't absorb even half of what we hear or read. So, that was a strategy of mine, on purpose.
Read and re-read. I wish you well!!
CommentsLoading...
Marisue,
We lived in New Orleans when Hurricane Katrina hit on August 29, 2005. Our house had six feet of water and we could not even get near the house for six weeks. Everything including the house was lost. Unfortunately we were not alone. Some few hundred thousand suffered the same fate.
I wanted to briefly share the lessons I learned from the experience.
1. When you suffer a disaster, give up thinking of yourself as a victim. You will never meet a rich or happy victim. Being a victim does not help you accept your loss.
2. Disasters always bring out the best and the worst of human behavior. Be thankful for the best, forgive the others.
3. Grief is rooted in resistance. To resist what happened is futile. Accept it. Let go of "what if".
4. I learned the importance of family and friends. But do not wait until disaster strikes to show your appreicaiton to them.
5. I learned that I have no controll over many things that happen in life. I only have control over how I react to things. Learn to react with dignity.
6. And perhaps the most important lesson I learned - it is not the material things that we accumulate that makes a successful life. It is what we become in life. Strive to learn and grow, to give more than you get, to be a better person that is more interested in helping others. No flood waters can take that away.
o wow John, I can add nothing to what you have said and lived thru. My grandmother used to tell me that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You have chosen to live. wow, I know your strength was purchased with pain...nothing is so overwhelming as not only experiencing your own loss...but feeling the loss of so many at the same time.
thank you for sharing your wisdom.
I just updated this hub with new thoughts, hope this helps anyone going through stress.
Hello Marisue, My husband and I lost our home to fire on February 11, 2008. We experienced so much wonderful love and support from family, friends, community, many churches and an online group I belong to.
It is coming to six months now and I am feeling a wave of new grief. I feel like I am just now waking up from a long sleep and the rest of the world has moved on. I found this page while looking for support groups for something like this.
I am so tired of trying to "explain" how I am feeling to people because words are great but there is a 'knowing' that comes from experience. So finding your story was soothing to me.
Thank you.
Carol
Grief, due to media, and our fast society, is often expected to be a "feel it now and it's gone" experience. Yet, it often reappears for no "apparent reason" and is frequently delayed. While a stressful event or crisis is happening, our survival instincts are at an all time high. As help from others dies down...our stress goes up...and then we're alone.
I understand exactly what you are going through. After 20 years, I still grieve over the time we lost our 2 boys during an adoption process. We have them now, and they are 22 and 21, but grief that is old, and put aside so I could survive, re-visits and made our empty nest syndrome all the more painful.
Expect your grief to come, fire is an isolation and horrible experience, It burns up more than our "things." It burns up hope and security. It takes our history and some of our identity.
It will get easier. and times of pain will be more brief, tho' they don't go entirely away.
Sometimes in an effort to make you feel better, people will say "It was just things, thank god you still have each other" which can make you feel guilty for grieving.
It's ok to grieve over loss, of any kind. You're going to find strength along the way. =)
I can tell you
Ignore the "I can tell you"....I was going to delete that -- have no idea what I meant LOL hahaha
Hi Marisue, thanks for your response. Your comment on fire taking our hope and security really spoke to me. I am feeling a bit stuck in fear right now. We are close to building and I have been part of all the decision making, but it doesn't feel real. I can't seem to get excited, all I feel is fear. I am afraid we can't afford it, afraid to count on anything, afraid to love it becaue I can lose it.
It is odd to me because right after the fire when people were so generous and took such good care of us I felt so strongly that not matter what I would be taken care of. Now it feels like I have swung to the opposite and I am afraid to believe in anything or count on anything lest I turn away; turn back and find it gone. I am sure it is part of the grief process. I wish there was a support group for this kind of experience. I am re-reading Allah Bozarth Campbel's book Life is Hello Life is Goodbye.
Well, anyway, thanks for being here.
Carol
Carol, come back often, if there's one thing I have experience in - it's grief and coping. You are definitely experiencing delayed grief. When all the support was there, your grief stepped back, but it doesn't go away until it's allowed to come to the surface. While you don't want to give in to the point of not being able to function, do try to let some of your feelings out. I hate crying and often put it off, but the tears build up inside and cause other problems.
Find a confidant, that you trust and that will hear you well. Then, let it out fears and all, maybe a little at a time in portions if that is possible, sometimes it's hard to do that.
Picture your grief as a block, and then mentally begin to chop it up into little pieces, they are easier to manage and deal with. Gradually, you will feel better. However, this bit of reality will stay with you but in a less painful way. I know the cost of losing possessions. Many people, who have not lost, will say "They are just things..." yes, but they are our identity to a certain degree and more than that, it is the loss of security and that is what I believe you are dealing with.
Take heart, the path you are on is predictable, and normal. That means there is a brighter spot down the road. Keep putting one foot in front of another. Buy the house, begin again...love again, get attached.
Here's an additional story. In the beginning of foster care's history, the philosophy was to move the kids around a lot so they wouldn't get attached. Boy did they screw up some lives with all good intentions. Long term psychological studies by Cornell University and others found out that not being attached had huge negative outcomes on behavior that lasted a lifetime - kids who were disconnected turned out to be mean, depressed and bitter adults who had high percentages of repeating the patterns of neglect and abuse, even violence and murder.
They then changed the whole system in the 80's especially, to include encouraging attachment, which was only common sense. Leave it to the experts to analyze us all out of humanity. So, what I'm saying is this: Continue to encourage yourself to form attachments, with wisdom of course, and let yourself love your home again.
It is better to be attached and lose, than to not be attached. Best wishes, Carol, and contact me again if you'd like.
What a beautiful, inspirational article. thank you for opening your heart and sharing your story. Life has a way of showing us how to Be Present, Receive and Accept Gifts. Like you, I have experienced grief and always been humbled and thankful for the silent hands reaching out to support and help me. I find it hard to receive but through God's Grace am learning each time it is OK to receive... Stay Blessed Ntathu
Hi Ntathu, everyone walks a path of twists and turns and thankfully we don't go thru ruff stuff at the same time, so we can reach out and help others who are where we've been, or will be one day...
Thank you for your kind words!! come back soon~
I just came across this article after a quick Google search.. My bedroom caught fire (I lived with my parents) in June of last year and I lost everything I owned. I'm still reeling from the effects due to the lack of a true support system. Of course my friends did what they could to help with clothes etc, but I haven't gotten anything replaced. I'm living on borrowed things and ive lost all hope of ever getting anything back. My mother has played victim during this whole ordeal and honestly, its tormented me. I live in fear of it happening again. I feel so lost and alone. Your article was very insightful and I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one suffering through this tremendous loss. Thank you.
I just found this article while trying to sort through how I feel about losing everything in our home a little over a week ago. I was home with ur preschool aged daughter when the fire happened and am told we narrowly made it out. They aren't sure what caused it. we've been well taken care of by both our community and insurance company yet I'm crying daily.I wanted to extend my gratitude for being able to crystallize how I feel about this so eloquently..the thought about losing your security and identity and the guilt at being upset when everyone is ok (we didn't even lose our dog, I got her out too) really strikes me and helps to identify how I feel and makes me at least momentarily feel better about how I feel.
I have no idea why I never came across this particular hub when I was a much more active follower of your writing. Maybe because I didn't need your words of wisdom until now. My recent loss of nearly everything I owned wasn't by fire, and I do feel lucky to still have a very few favorite things. But I might as well have lost everything, as the starting over from scratch part feels the same.
After finally getting my own place again, furnished with donated items, I felt rather guilty for giving in to a good old-fashioned days-long Pity Party.
Intellectually, I knew this was a necessary step in the healing process, yet couldn't shake the feeling of guilt since my situation wasn't anywhere near as bad as what people in Japan were and are still experiencing after the Triple Whammy of earthquake, tsunami and radiation exposure. The guilt ended when a very good friend passed on this pearl of wisdom: Just remind yourself that 'my stubbed toe is worse than your broken arm'. Meaning, of course, that MY crisis is every bit as bad (and real) as anyone else's, and that I have every right to wallow in self-pity for as long as necessary.
I, too, have been experiencing (and fighting) the Yo-Yo effect - feeling in control one day, totally helpless the next, even after using the "Do something normal to regain control" trick which always worked in the past to get grounded during or a crisis.
Thank you for pointing out that the Yo-Yo effect is normal. I've now given myself permission to wallow PRN, not make the situation worse by trying to bury feelings that shouldn't be buried.
I have just found this hub after a google search for a self help group ralating to surviving a house fire. Thank you for all that posted what you are going through. Unless you have been there, it is hard to even imagine.
I just passed my one month anniversary of the fire and still suffer, as Jama (above) the YoYo effect. Great one day/hour and feeling grief and pain the next. I know it will take time to recover, but friends/family (no offense, but males are worse) think that since no one died or was hurt (I was alone at the time) I should just "get over it."
I do not even want to go back to work. I have a ton of insurance paperwork to do and have to construct a whole new house. That is a career. I feel like I should pick a new path in life that is more meaningful.
Does anyone know of a good online support group for those who have suffered a fire loss? My area in NJ does not have anything.
Thank you.
samr, you have my most heartfelt sympathies. As for online support groups for house fire survivors, I'd think there would be, but more likely included with survivors of natural disasters in general...i.e. tornados, hurricanes, floods. Try googling "natural disaster survivors support groups". Good luck and hang in there. It WILL get better. (I keep telling myself that.)
Also, if you haven't already, read http://hubpages.com/hub/counting-my-blessings-one- When I have a YoYo "bad" moment/day now, I make myself stop and count MY blessings and that seems to help lift my spirits. ;D
Thank you JamaGenee for your response. I know it will get better.. it's hard to wait that long. Sometimes it feels like it happened hours ago and others a lifetime ago.
Just knowing that others understand is a comfort. My son will be coming in a week. We have to deal with what he lost also. It will be sad, but he is the blessing I count the most and I am looking forward to a big bear hug... and I am actually grateful he wasn't at home when it occured.
The article you linked does put a perspective on things. Maybe I should start a grateful journal. Thanks for reaching out I really appreciate it.
We lost our home and content to a fire in April 2010 and I still am trying to complete the insurance paperwork. The overwhelming "job" of recording the inventory is beyond words. Furthermore, the task of rebuilding your home is stressful -- rebuilding a home is not "fun" as many have stated to me. It was a deep loss -- emotional and physical. I feel no one really understands unless they experienced a deep loss. My two sisters, who lived within walking distance of my house, never reached out to my family. They each called once several days after the fire -- one left a voice message the other spoke to me briefly and that was the extend of their "support." We did receive great support from our church family, friends and neighbors. Even strangers reached out to us and for that I am deeply grateful. I feel we will be better people because of this loss. With that said, it is still a terrible situation to walk through. My deep faith and trust in God is what really held me together and still continues to help me work through this crisis.
I lost my home and vehicle to fire 6 weeks ago and everyone that I work with is telling me what a great job I am doing coping ... but honestly I am a wreck. I am terrified for the future ... my insurance company is conducting an investigation which is dragging on and they haven't paid a cent so far ... so I am afraid the loss is not going to be financially covered, and I can't even begin to feel hopeful and positive inside...but meanwhile I am going through all the motions of functioning, working, making small talk and joking around just as if nothing really happened. I really don't want to talk about it to my family (who live hundreds of miles away)because I am having a tougher time putting a positive "spin" on things as the weeks go by. I guess I am just looking for someone who has been through this and has survived it to tell me that its going to be ok ... I know that is pretty unrealistic, but its all I can think of...
Hi,
I have just read your self help advice and am firstly so sorry to hear of your loss. I too lost my home and two beloved young dogs to a house fire which started on an electric hob in the kitchen. Everything you wrote about has now inspired me to be a much stronger person, and also you have assured me that it is ok to actually accept help from friends/relatives/strangers.
One of my dogs was 3.5 years and the second was just 11 months. My partner and I have been left in complete shock, devastation and disbelief that a fire could start and be over with in minutes- our fire approximately lasted for 40 minutes and has left behind complete destruction.
Thank you so much for sharing all your thoughts as you have assured me everything I am going through is a normal part of the healing process.
We will never get over what has happened but we will simply discover how to deal with this tragedy and move forward to the next chapter in our lives.
Many thanks
I lost my home on Feb.11th 2012 We were at a friends house and got the call. It was the most horrible thing to see. I feel as if my life is in a snowglobe and all shaken up. I'm really having a hard time with this. Until you go through a tragedy like this you don't understand what it does to you. I just want to be able to think clearly,laugh and be myself.I was always the positive girl that was their for others. Now I don't have the room in my heart to hear it. When I'm at work and people complain to me I don't want to hear it and get upset that thy are even complaining to me. I can't believe they do this....one of them is my own mother. I think she is the worst. I have asked her not to complain to me because it's not that I don't care but i don't have the room inside of me to listen and i asked her if that made sense? She said thats fine and walked away. I know she was very upset by this but my god I feel as if EVERYONE thinks we're all ok now. It's only been a few weeks but I'm still a mess....one hour i'm ok and the next i'm crying,don't want to be bothered or just trying to think what to do next. I had some really good people give us some clothes and food.....but i am really hurt that my family did not reach out to us. I had one aunt call me, my sister gave clothes to me and called me acouple times,my mom made us dinner twice and helped me clen the house we are renting. I am so grateful for the help we did receive!!!!! I ask my boys how they are doing and they say good.I have a 9yr old and a 14 yr old....they do seem a lot better now although my youngest is so much more hyper now. I think with everything going on...the fire,staying at my in laws and last week we moved into a house. I think it is overwhelming and he is acting out. I could be wrong also.
I lost my home to a fire on Dec. 17, 2011. My husband and children were devasted. My home of 30 years was destroyed. People say get over the material, it is nothing compared to loosing someone. True of course, I am blessed my children and husband were safe. Thank God but still I'm trying to deal with what happen to us. It has been a couple of months but I still get sad and depressed sometimes. Worst of all my 7 year old son is still scared when he hears a smoke alarm go on. Tonight I am sleeping in his room because he scared there may be a fire and I won't be there. I'm sad confused and should I get a professional to see him?
Marisela,
I was also worried that my boys would be affected in many different ways. They seem to be just fine. I would definitely get professional help for your son only because it may be a good thing for him. Something I did was not allow my boys to stay home from school after the first or second week, because I did not want them to pull away from their friends, and become unsociable. As far as you saying that people say at least you have one another and only loss material things......I agree with you it is more than that. We lost our homes and now life is upside down. I am having a hard time adjusting to the house we are staying at. I know I am very thankful to have a house to stay in but there are so many negatives. It's not home and I am so tired of not having my routine back. I thought for sure when we moved into the house it would all come back but I was wrong. So finally one day when I was driving to work I told myself I need to stop crying all the time and move on.....buy some things for the house,bedding,pictures,dishes or whatever. It was hard for me to go to a store at first but now I am feeling much stronger and still not in a routine, but you have to be strong and things will fall into place.
Let me know if how things work out for your son......=}
I have recently been affected by a kitchen fire. I walked in and saw my husband sitting on the couch as flames took over the wall of my kitchen and when I opened the door it blew into part of the living room. We live in a relatively small apartment. I was horrified. I grabbed my cat and was able to put him in a smaller room and close the door. I then called 911 and the firefighters came in. They checked the situation, and also I was concerned about the electricity since my stove is electric and refrigerator. the stove is gone, but the refrigerator is still in working order, except for the burns on the top. The kitchen is a mess, and the smell and soot is worse. My husband had grease on the stove and didn't watch it, it watched him and broke loose. I feel anger, sadness, I'm weepy and just feel I am here. My husband had a couple of minor burns, and the complex I live in gave us a eviction notice after I have lived there for over 20 years. I am really trying to cope, this happened on thursday and today is tuesday. I thank you for some of your tips. And now I truly understand what people feel after devastation as this.
In The Doghouse 4 years ago
Marisue,
Isn't it amazing to watch the Lord work through His children! You have given wonderful advice for anyone who is facing any sort of crisis in their life. Another wonderful Hub.