Course 101 Bossy Bosses Warning Signs and When To Leave

by Marisue Alsobrook

Warning & Disclaimer: Do not implement any of the following if you think it will get you fired. Instead, move right into Plan B, and take that other job - when YOU are ready. Read the entire article before taking any action.

First, let me state that there are many wonderful bosses who appreciate your hard work, plan for true incentives, and respect you. We appreciate hard workers and great companies, everywhere! This article is for those working with the opposite.

Introduction: Often, we think of abuse as coming from parents to children, spouse to spouse, or lover to lover. However, many people are caught up in a hostile work environment and don't know what to do about it. We need our jobs, and abusive bosses take advantage of that. You can almost see it on their face: "You need this job. Where are you going to go? I own you." They've got you and they know it.

They are also wrong. You don't have to take it, and you can leave. With careful thought, a desire to be respected and the confidence that you deserve it, you can get out of an abusive situation at work. At first, you will want to try to improve the situation with communication, more effort on your part, and absorbing undeserved criticism. That's natural, we all want to please the powers that be. What is your "gut" telling you?

Being realistic, you know and I know that most of the time the situation at work won't improve and you will have to leave. Being prepared with a "Plan B" is crucial. Resist the temptation to live in denial. It's very hard for abusive bosses to change their tactics. Somewhere the power play has worked for them, and they won't change. Or, maybe it's not worked for them, they're used to frequent turnover. They are most likely in the habit of rationalizing or even lying to themselves or others about it being the worker's fault; they couldn't take the work load; they didn't work hard enough; they didn't have the talent; they couldn't take criticism (Yeah? How well would they take someone saying to them, what they say to you? You know they wouldn't.) We could go on and on about the psychology of why they abuse. (For all we know, it began with their mother. Right?) What you need to be concerned with is where their abuse is taking you.

Trying to stay in this dark, mean environment will only harm your health and the abuse you're experiencing will progress to a much higher level. Just like in a social relationship, the more the boss gets by with, the more abusive he/she becomes.

Forms of abuse are:

Unrealistic work loads - If your salary includes extra hours, then give the expected hours of work. BUT, If 8 hours is what you're paid for, then 8 hours is what you give. Most of us want to do our best and excitement drives us to give more. Don't begin, and if you have, STOP the evening hours of preparation, the early hours of arriving to work before the clocked in time begins, just to meet deadlines. The more you do for free, the more they will expect you to do without compensation. I've yet to see an employee rewarded at raise time for all the extras they've done. It's often implied by companies, but not given in real time. Do your job and do it well. Make extra time a rare event. It is NOT wrong to expect compensation for what you do, though abusive employers are good at cracking the whip; making you think you should do more.

How do you reduce the heavy task assignment? Here are various suggestions:

Tell your boss:

1) I want to get all this done, let's set some time limits together.

2) I'm going to need help with these tasks; I've divided them into days and weeks; here's my suggestions for our approach.

3) (A More Firm Statement,if needed) My desire is to accomplish these assignments. After careful consideration; I've decided it's going to take a different amount of time to complete the tasks then what you are expecting. Here's my suggestions for completion.

4) (Even Stronger Statement, if you get resistance) I have 8 hours a day to devote to these tasks. I am not available after 5. I will give it my best. The time to complete these tasks needs to be re-adjusted. How can I help you make those changes?

Marisue's Hint: Diplomacy is always best, making statements in a positive manner shows you respect the work and are expecting them to respect your time as well.

Your boss turns positive results into negative - You've completed a task, reached a remarkable outcome, but the boss turns your celebration into despair as he brings up negatives and doesn't recognize the achievement.

How do you let the boss know this was an achievement? Here are various suggestions:

Tell your boss:

1) I worked hard on this assignment and the results are even better than I expected. Don't you agree that it's important to take a few moments to celebrate before we move on or mention how it might have been done differently?

2) Before we move on to the next task, I'd like for us to list the positive accomplishments on this one. Can you name a couple?

3) (Stronger statements, if necessary) I feel defeated when you overlook my effort and accomplishments. Do you see the importance of making an employee feel valued?

Marisue's Hint: Ending your comments with a question designed for getting agreement from the disagreeable is powerful. Practice a few times before you do this and feel confident that you are right. None of these strategies are the kind that would make your employer say "You're fired." However, it could. Resist the temptation to talk too much or argue. Of course, they will think any comment from you is arguing, so go by your definition. Defensive statements are a normal result of criticism and it is not wrong to be defensive. A tactic that abusive bosses often use is "You're being defensive." like you've just robbed a bank. We need to defend ourselves; they need not to attack. They can learn Criticism 101 and it will teach them to criticize without attacking. But they will never take that class.

Don't let fear stop you from asking for respect. However, if your boss gets angry, it's time to implement your plan B as soon as possible. These suggestions are not cures for mean bosses. They will allow you to get your point across intelligently and professionally. If the boss doesn't change their attitude with these comments from you, you staying on the scene longer will only prolong your misery. Read the writing on the wall and plan to move on. A zebra doesn't change the proverbial stripe. I was once told that the miraculous income we had brought into a new business of $34,000 a month had to increase by $20,000, NOW. Uh-huh. My 60 - 80 hour weeks could not grow any longer. That was so unrealistic that I just decided it was over. Their enlarged debt was not the businesses fault, nor my responsibility. We had made it look too easy. That and other disrespectful remarks was the last straw. Inevitably, you have to set your limit and mean it.

Constant Criticism - You never do anything right and you know it. Right? You're just too sensitive. Defensive. What's wrong with you? You need to try harder. Do more. Come earlier. I expect this and this and this. The boss may not be saying this, but it's the underlying message. The words behind the words. And, he must be right, he's the boss. He got to where he is by being right. Didn't he? No. He probably got where he is by being a bully, inheriting the spot, or pushing, shoving, kicking and screaming his way to the top. No matter how he got there, he's the game you're playing and your next move should be out the door. I'm telling you, and your gut is telling you, these people don't change.

How do you let your boss know the criticism is not justified? Here are various suggestions:

Tell your boss:

1) I care about your opinion. I want to please. I also value praise and appreciation and find that it energizes me. Can you name a few things that you think I accomplished on this assignment?

2) Praise is a great incentive to try again. I'd like to hear what you think I did well.

3) (Stronger statement if necessary) I don't want to be offended by what you have said, but I don't think it's accurate and I'm not encouraged by how you have presented my work. Do you think you could re-phrase your comments?

Marisue's Hint: You could try new things or tolerance until Hell freezes over and the abusive boss is not going to appreciate you, reward you, bonus you, or compliment you. If the next few warning signs are also present, start packin' your bags, you're outta there! Be prepared! Leave on your terms. You won't want the reference anyway.

Taking Over or Being Ignored and Not Consulted in Your Area of Expertise - This is their way of making you feel insignificant. Powerless. It is a psychological step in abuse. If they hired you to do a job due to talents and skills you possess, but ignore that and either do the job themselves (not in an effort to help you, but to control) or seek out another person's advice, you're in trouble.

How do you show your boss you want to do what you know how to do? Here are various suggestions:

Tell your boss:

1) I'm able to do that task, it is part of what I was hired to do. Is this something you're prepared to turn over to me?

2) I was expecting that kind of assignment as that is something I'm very prepared to do and actually am good at it. Can this be turned over to me?

3) (Stronger statement) I'm surprised this has not been turned over to me and I'd like to show you what I can do with this. I have several ideas I'd be happy to share. Should I expect to have input at the next meeting?

Marisue's Hint: Here's an example of what I'm talking about. Marketing is one of my abilities. My husband and I were hired to do it. We are good, maybe great at it. We have certain ideas, standards, and a specific approach with regards to how it should be done. We've spent years learning what is a waste of time; and have developed a large amount of knowledge in how to build business relationships.

One day the boss, without discussing any of the marketing strategies we were implementing, called on a prospective client. The person he took with him was dressed flashy and revealing; he had no plan about pricing; and in a short couple of visits with this prospective client, totally destroyed our community image with them.

He tossed clerical tasks at me like I was a monkey in a chair. It was demeaning and illustrated how he thought he could accomplish more quickly what we were already working towards. Instead, he set us back, and spent valuable resources and time in an area that would not yield quick results. Another reason to boogie. And, I did. You should be supported in your work, not sabotaged. He should have said, "How can I assist you?" It never occurred to him.

"Upping the Ante" (Not Keeping Bonus or Other Promised Incentives) - "I really wanted this goal reached instead. Let's hold this for 3 months, then we'll reward you. That's not what I meant. You should have done more, that didn't really help us."

How do you show the boss he's not keeping his promises? Here are various suggestions:

Tell your boss:

1) I accomplished the task; I did what was asked of me; I exceeded expectations; I don't believe I miss-interpreted the bonus offered. When can it be paid?

2) Not getting expected incentives has happened before. I'm not sure how to respond. Do you have any other explanations to make about why this bonus has not come forth?

3) (Stronger statement, if necessary) I'm very disappointed that the promises weren't kept. How would you respond if you were me?

Marisue's Hint:Reneging on bonuses is very common with abusive bosses. They never think you deserve what they promised; they meant something else. What they are really saying is: They can't afford to give it to you; or they wouldn't give it to you even if they can afford it. There's always a "wudda cudda shudda" attached to the reward, after your accomplishment and hard work. Whoa! Red Alert. Double check those packed bags and load them in the car.

You dread to see the boss arrive- Experience has already shown you that you're going to be criticized, over-loaded, ignored on important issues, spoken to disrespectfully due to their desire to whip you in line so that you don't expect as much from them. Dread in the pit of your stomach is telling you to move on. Being a bit nervous is normal; but everyone should be on the same page; you're a valued member of the team and you should feel it.

How do you let your boss know that you are feeling more nervous than is comfortable? Here are various suggestions:

Tell your boss:

1) "I hope we can get a lot done today. With your arrival, I'm feeling overwhelmed already. Can we make a real effort to keep goals achievable?"

2) (Using humor) "Do I need the bullet-proof vest?" (Of course in today's world, that might not be funny.) or say "I've got my armor on and I'm ready for battle, but let's keep it simple, if we can?"

3) (Stronger statements, if necessary) "I'm willing to discuss things with you. I'd like to make sure it starts and ends on a positive note as that energizes all of us. We're a team, and I'd like to start the meeting with a positive statement, would you like to say something positive as well?"

Marisue's Final Hint: While the above strategies work with "normal" people, your abusive boss may not get the drift. IF things worsen, or if they don't improve, be looking for jobs in the same field or even something you've wanted to do but haven't taken the risk. Plan your exit when it's good for you; the company will survive. They don't have your best interest at heart; they eat people like you for lunch. Get out of there; move on; be smart. Have something else lined up and exit, stage right.

Don't get in the habit of letting abusive bosses devour you. There are good bosses, good companies. Don't be bitter, just be better with another company. With eyes wide open, you will find one. Good hunting. You deserve the best, GO for it. You may also read more information about parenting or relationships, here.