Each Day, We Make Deposits in the Memory Banks of Our Loved Ones
62Emotionally, Are We Here?
Or Are We Here?
What do the kids think?
"In the child, happiness dances" - John Paul Richter
Much like having a money tree in our backyard, I wish we had one full of happiness. When we felt sad, wouldn't it be great to just pluck happiness from the tree, making all the misery disappear? How easy.
As we regularly check our bank deposits, what's the bottom line in our emotional banks? What are we saving up? How much could we withdraw, when we need some emotional strength?
We must make the deposits, of course, before we can withdraw anything. In today's tough times, are we in danger of being "emotionally bankrupt?"
We all want our kids to be happy. In the process, are we creating false shelter? In doing so, are the children prepared and strong enough to handle the shock and awe of reality when it comes calling?
Helping kids handle stress or hard truths now, while we have them in our care and can re-inforce how to take the bad with the good will help them be strong as they become adults. Our nation and world needs self-reliant, solution oriented and productive citizens. We can influence positive mental health if we create a home that is a safe harbor, where kids and adults alike can re-charge their emotional batteries.
Every comment, every reaction makes a depost in our children's memory banks. Isn't that a huge responsibility? We can't leave their impressions to chance. Tune in, talk about life to the kids, and ask questions.
- "What do you think?'
- "How do you feel?"
- "What do you think should happen next?"
- "It's ok not to know what to do, it might take time."
Life is hard, and we need to face it with strength; not gloom and doom, but not unrealtisc joy either. When we know and can handle the bitter, the sweet is all the more dear.
In parenting workshops, one dilemma was how much unrealistic hope to allow the kids to hang on to. They would often say:
- "Mom will come and get me today."
- "I'm going home soon."
- "Dad's going to be off drugs soon."
- "Dad(Mom) didn't mean to do it."
- "My mother is buying me a present."
- "I won't be here long."
Foster kids lived in fantasy, but some of it was healthy and provided them hope for tomorrow. Some of it kept them from making progress. How much unrealistic thinking is ok?
For many years, as a foster parent, I lived in the hell of abuse and it's effects on kids and families. I saw many children and parents shut down emotionally.
They were afraid to feel pain, refused to feel joy, or felt too much of both. Seeking balance is not easy. How do you begin? I wish there were a magic formula. What do therapists search for? How do they know when they've hit the mark for safe emotional reality?
They go by their feelings and instincts, to a large degree. As parents, we can guide the person in crisis by what feels right. Younger kids need smaller doses of truth, every kid deserves to maintain hope, however small and fleeting.
Here are some common responses to false hope:
Child: "Mom will come get me soon."
Parent: "You'll be here a little while longer, Your mother is making some progress on her case plan."
Not: "She's not coming and you know it, get real." (Believe it or not, some foster parents did not see the value in diplomacy.)
Child: "My mom is going to remember my birthday."
Parent: "I hope so, too. But, if she doesn't, I think you will be able to handle it."
Not: "She's not going to bring you a present, quit building up false hope. Face the truth."
Child: "My parents did not abuse me. The state is lying, it didn't happen. I just want to go home."
Parent: "Your case worker is doing their best to get to the truth. We need to be sure we tell exactly what happened. That's the only way to help the situation."
Not: "Quit lying. You know what they did."
Even though the above illustrations are about foster kids, they show what small doses of reality sound like. We can change the unrealistic comments, to manageable amounts of truth.
When kids ask questions about death, war, illnesses, abuse, politics, sex, drugs, we need to think about our responses and give them as much truth in as positive a manner as possible.
Plan in advance what to say to kids about our world.
Talk Mom, Talk about it. (This is an introduction to "101 Ways To Be A Solid Mom - Step 5: Talk About the Rough Side.")
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Thanks cgull and boy, don't we have a struggle today!! How much truth, when, etc...not easy ever.
=) thanks for reading and commenting, come back soon!!
Was led to this hub today and i recognized God's hands leading me. i recently had to face the frightened child in me who still had bad memories of the offenders. i never knew the depth of the pain until i allowed it to flow. i thought i dealt with it before but apparently the memories are stored in all parts of our bodies. i wrote a hub about the healing process i underwent. the healing continues as i read your hub. thank you. you are an angel:)
Hi dayzeebee - I'm glad you stopped by!! I've always read that pain doesn't go away, or lessen until we let ourselves feel it...I've been scared to do that many times, myself. I'm so glad you are feeling better and I wish a good healing for you!!! thank you!!
I'll go read your hub about it...=)) Be well.
Another one from the heart Marisue. I really appreciated this hub and the way you have helped children. You have an intrinsic kindness in your soul.
Thank you sixtyorso!!! Many times we wondered if we were making any difference, but wwe knew that we wouldn't be able to tell until years later. Often, the goal had to be short...just to keep them safe for the time being...it was all we could do; there wasn't always time to do more. I hated the abuse we saw everyday.
Honesty is a good thing. Being realistic is a good thing too. Being violent is not. And, honestly - in the examples provided - what do we actually, REALLY know? Truth is that the foster parent does not KNOW whether or not mom will come get the child. So there is no sense in telling the child that “she’s not coming and you know it”. And by saying that "she's not going to bring you a present, quit building up false hope. Face the truth." we’re neither honest, nor realistic. We violently press our prejudice (even if it is based on past experiences and statistics) onto the child.
I like your comment about keeping them safe for the time being and the above statements about allowing a child hope and joy.
It is all too common to encourage child to be "realistic" when most aspects of reality are determined by one's perspective. Sure, there are facts like everyone will die from the bodies they now reside with and hurt happens, but bottom line - everyone has a choice to come through to the other side. Everyone.
It is viewed as hard to overcome abuse, loss, and stress and feelings will stay until felt, but once the way is cleared for healing to happen, people can live life from a much more positive perspective.
I appreciate this article very much because as parents we are putting ourselves out there - somebody is always watching and soaking up the ways we deal with life... the question always is - are we living life the way we would want our children to - every second? The challenge and the responsibility...
I venture to say that parents will at some point realize the truth of their modeling role and choose whether or not to take the opportunity to be their best self at all times, for their children and themselves...
Wonderful writing and support, Marisue :o)
ananta65, you are so right, we have to allow hope but help the child understand that sometimes bad and sad things happen. Then, we're there to help them manage the pain and find the joy.
I've seen parents shield the child to the point of fostering dependency and false security and then others swing the other way, never letting the child feel happiness and or secure.
Security is important, but too much or too little creates disaster and emotionally dependent kids who grow up to be needy adults; often having one unsuccessful realtionship after another. Not that I have all the answers, I just know if we find a balance between reality and hope, we have a better chance for joy in our life.
Joy, to me, is the understanding of life's pain and an appreciation for the happy times; joy with and because of "realization" I suppose. One might say "I realize, and I have joy."
Hi RainbowRecognizer, (I love that connotation) Taking time to see the rainbows....reminds me - they always come after the storm.
Raising tough kids in tough times...sounds like a new hub brewing -- thank you for your input, we bounce around between how much of life to introduce to our kids. Their spontaneity is natural, we don't want to squelch that...but neither do we want them have fantasy thinking constantly either. Sigh, it's not easy being a solid role model for them. =) thanks for reading...always - you sound like a super solid mom!! =)))
I like this information and will think about it when I need to talk to my children. You sound wise. Good info.
I just parented a lot of children, and now am out of the job. Talking about it now is what I do. LOL easier than doing it....always, huh?
What I especially meant to say, is that it is not reality (yet) if we tell the kid that his mother is not going to give them a present. Simply because we don't know that for a fact. So under the flag of reality the child's hope is demolished.Reality is now. Not in two weeks when the kid has his birthday, now. Being honest is not about painting a dark future. Kids don't need us to be their fortunetellers, they need us to be their guides. They need us to be honest, yet kind. Not realistic and terrifying.
Thats a good point ananta65...we don't need to crush them with disappointment, just answer and let life be...and be with them all the way. It's ok to not know what tomorrow will bring...if we're living today to the fullest, it's all we have. Lots of times, kids can predict the future all on their own. sometimes we'd just say "hm, I'm not sure, what do you think?"
I appreciate your in put!! =)))
Hi Marisue, I enjoyed reading your hub. I guess adults sometimes forget that each word we speak, the things we do are stored in the memories of children. With increase awareness may we be able to encourage more rather than put them down, or give hope rather than despair and yes, allow them to face the pain of life with loads of love and gentleness. :)
Hi ripplemaker!! Thank you..I think it's hard to remember what it was like to be a kid, but when we do, I think it helps us be more gentle with the truth, yet allowing them to see with true vision, supported always by their parents.
It's not easy. Today is tough tho, we need tough kids growing up to be tough adults who aren't afraid to be gentle. hmmm wish I had the magic formula. =)) thanks for reading!!! as always!!
I understand that people try to shield children from the disappointment by bringing down their hopes. Their intentions are good, but it’s not what children need from us. They need to learn how to cope with disappointment. By telling them to give up hope, because mom isn’t going to be there with a nice present we’re doing several things wrong:
1. We convey a negative message about their mother;
2. We assume that the mother is ‘bad’ and carry over this attitude to the child. While in reality the mother might just be doing her utter best to make it. In stead of giving her credit for the attempt, we degrade her.
3. We try to prevent the negative emotion of disappointment, while we should actually teach the child to deal with it.
Ananta65 You said it best!! Balancing between fact fiction and fantasy is a delicate dance, but as parent, we get many opportunities to practice strengthening our kids for what is in their future. All of us run into hell, heaven, and a mixture of both each day. Our kids will have more fullfilling lives if they can handle both - and realize disappointments don't mean or equal failure, they equal a chance to learn how to succeed.
They're going to lose games, fail tests, lose in love, how will they handle it?
I cringe when I see some parents get so emotional over games lost and their cihld' performance. It is WRONG to skip the lessons about losing. They are going to lose more than win. Winning is not difficult to handle (well, maybe but that's another subject entirely) Losing well is an art...and can take us far down the road to success, and in that since, losing well and picking up the pieces to begin again, IS winning.
Thank you for really thinking so deeply about this subject. you're the best!!
Helping children is really something that every people should think. Children are the so-called hope of our nation. They must be protecte from abuses and other mis-tretament
Hi scorpionmagnet...Thanks for reading. Kids depend on us for leadership, comfort and care. Soon, they're adults and our time of influence changes greatly. We need to give them our attention when they're small....
Boy do I agree with this. Kids are much smarter and more capable to process information than we think they are. When we take some time to explain, they are better for the experience. In my opinion. But I've never raised a single kid, not to mention the 200 plus you've raised. But it's nice to know that someone with your experience seems to think the same way I do, with no experience at all.
Of course, I was a kid myself once...
well we ran into loss more than we wanted to...and these kids lived in depression, no hope, no security. They had to find it from within...we had to make many many deposits before we could make a correction. They just couldn't take it. when they began to take a consequence calmly - we knew we had made some progress.
cgull8m 3 years ago
"When kids ask questions about death, war, illnesses, abuse, politics, sex, drugs, we need to think about our responses and give them as much truth in as positive a manner as possible." Thats a great advice, it is better to tell truth. It might hurt a little, but I think Falsehood will hurt even more in the long run.