How Are We Disciplining Our Children?
63Have Some...
Come on, Clown Around A Little
Punishing, Teaching, What's the Difference?
"The best inheritance a parent can give to his
children is a few minutes of their
time each day." - unknown
We all want our kids to grow up to be self-reliant, productive
citizens. How do we get there? What do we do, to get their
attention when they do something wrong?
Are we taking things away in the extreme?
Are not disciplining at all?
How do we help them change
their behavior?
It starts small. It begins with conversation and time spent
with our children. Time that provides them with many examples
of kindness, manners, play, problem solving, watching
appropriate television, listening to good music, spending time
with family members.
The kids are hearing us as we speak to each other, they see
how we talk about and to other drivers while on the road, they
hear us gossip or uplift our acquaintances and friends.
Unfortunately, they see it all.
As a foster parent, I've had kids yelling, cursing, throwing things,
threatening my life, hurting my animals, breaking my possessions,
stealing my car, stealing my jewelry, lying about me and to me,
hurting my kids, ruining their clothing or mine, and repeating
all of the above before I could say "stop that!" to deaf ears.
Maybe you've been there with your own children; hey, it's life.
I understand. Mine saw all of this so what do you think they did
on occasion?
Which is exactly my point. Kids do what they see others do,
especially when they are closely associated with them.
Disciplining involves finding something that matters to your
child, and using it for a positive change.
Our goal is to teach the child what should have been done, instead of their orginial choice. Our inclination is to punish and take away. If we can
change our thoughts to the teaching aspect of discipline (which means "to teach") then we can make good progress, without damaging our family relationships.
Many parents argue over how to discipline the kids. Planning your responses in advance is crucial to family peace. We can often find ourselves stepping away from the kids when their behavior irritates us. Instead, when the kids act out, INCREASE the time you spend with them, and watch what happens.
For example, when foster kids spoke rudely, I added more
time with me (us) so they could learn more appropriate language
responses. They didn't like it, or they did. Either way, they were
motivated for change.
Sometimes when we get mad at the kids, we isolate ourselves from
them. If we're doing that for a short time, to cool off, that's good.
But, if we're just mad, and being "re-active" and punishing them
out of anger, how does that change their behavior?
As a child, when one of your parents was angry or disappointed
in something you did, could they melt you with a just a look?
I never wanted to see the disappointment in my dad's eyes, or
the sad look on my mom's face. It really got to me. I wanted
to be change and get back in their good graces.
Those were the good ol' days of the 60's. Now, we show we're disappointed and many of our kids just shrug their shoulders. Movies, games, music, even sports and school acitivites can influence kids to act out or show apathy. It seems we have to do more, be creative and energetic to get our kids to even notice. Well, if so, let's do it. Whatever it takes, as long as it teaches with love.
I am reminded of David, a young boy of age 8, in an out of foster care since he was 3. He was in our home for 2 years, and ended up in a locked therapeutic clinic at the age of 13. David was a loss expert. Most people who dealt with him tried to change his behaviors by taking things away. It never even touched him. While with us, we had many happy times. However, he was an accident looking for a place to happen. I learned a lot from David; probably more than he learned from me. David's mother's name was, drum roll.... Marisue.
Not me, but she and I shared the name. That should have been our first signal that this was never going to work. David had been in 11 homes by the ripe old age of 8, when he was assigned to us. We had a measure of success with kids who were hard to handle - mainly because they kept giving us kids who were hard to handle.
We were David's last chance. He was cute, charming, and at times helpful. He was also crazy angry. When he got mad, it was as though a volcano erupted, lava in the form of violent anger spewed everywhere.
Have you ever cried for one thing, and then found yourself crying for many things at the same time? That's the way David was when he got mad. One thing set him off, but years of anger kept him there.
We had short periods of success. He found happiness in birthdays, family visits (never with mom, who was God knows where), and time with us in games and sometimes chores. If he ever felt slighted in anyway, or lost at a game, there was hell to pay.
He looked at me oddly, and one time asked me "Why can't my mother be like you?" I think it angered him, that it just was not meant to be. We gave him truth and lots of positive input to build his self-worth. He was teflon, everything slid off.
I often told him that parents do things that they wouldn't do, if they were thinking right. That them not thinking right was not his fault, but it was his situation. He could live with it, if he let the problem be theirs and stopped trying to re-write history. We kept him busy, introduced him to opportunities for success. He could handle happiness for a few hours, then set it all up for failure, with which he was much more familiar.
All the psychology in the home could not help David. He needed a more controlled environment, which he eventually got. After knocking a hole in our bathroom wall with his fist, for about the 5th time in as many months, we had to restrain him. The cops took him in shackles, he was fighting and crying the whole time, begging us not to make him go. How's that for an evening of fun?
David did not thrive well in the locked therapeutic home in the beginning, I don't know what ever happened to him. He's in his late 20's now, or maybe early thirties. I imagine he's in jail, if he's even alive. Some kids, a foster parent can't help. To him, discipline was always punishment and love was elusive.
To discipline effectively, we need to prepare mentally in advance. Think about what matters to the child, and zero in on using that to make a change in their behavior. Remember, punishment hurts, discipline teaches.
More about disciplining our kids here.
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Exactly! Ananta65, you'hit the nail on the head. Some consequnces we can't prevent for our kids; choices we all live with. I think I held my breath(my face is red from it) for 3 years while my kids were out in the world living with their choices. I cautioned all the time; they pretended not to listen. we all did our job I guess. ha
My heart breaks for your David. I don't know how foster parents find the ability to keep a healthy distance from the problems of their fotster children. You deserve a medal and a lot of respect for what you have done.
The older I become the more I realize that modeling good choices , responsibility, and accountability is not a simple act, but a heroic one, even in the most mundane of family circumstances. Factor in the grave injustices a foster child deals with, and you simply throw "normal" disciplinary measures out the window.
My second child has a much angrier disposition than my first, and is speech-delayed, so this hub strikes close to home. I once took a Parenting with Love and Logic class, and am sure a refresher course would do some good!
Parenting effectively is a challenge for us I think as long as we're alive. The kids grow and our parenting changes.
You know, what kept us going was knowing sometimes you can only help for the moment. We didn't learn that early, but eventually we understood it...also, they kept bringing more kids; so you didn't have much pause inbetween times to grieve. We did cry a river, and the same time as we were openiing the door for the next child.
I have found that modeling is much more powerful than anything we say, but we have to have the conversations too! Our kids need us to talk to them; listen to them, have conversations that are not just to do lists. Real laughter, and connecting. They don't get that anywhere else.
Thanks for stopping by!!!
Great article! It must be so hard to try to be calm and patient when you have to deal with kids with monstrous temper tantrums. I mean I wouldn't know how to handle a kid like your David. I don't have children yet. But at least I know whom I can consult about parenting issues in the future when I have my own kids. YOU!
Hi Om Paramapoonya ( your name is so fun to type ) -- it was hard to be calm...we had a procedure that if one of us was about to blow ( me or my husband ) we'd give each other a nod and disappear into the bedroom for a moment of silent screaming.
Some nights I went in there a LOT. LOL well, keeping a sense of humor works, too. My kids were the best at that....our own sons would often go into the bedroom with us and find something funny about the situation....
"Gee mom, at least he wasn't holding a knife when he got in your face..." or "gee, I never saw anyone turn purple like she did, but you were getting pretty close to it too mom."
or "Come on mom, please, let me pop 'em, one punch and boom, he's out for a week." they helped me keep things in perspective. Sometimes they'd say "Bet you're glad we're not like that huh mom. You want me to be?"
"funny, son, no." Feel free to ask me anything....you can always find me at http://www.partnershipinparenting.com until I'm too old and feeble to type. ahahha
Another great parenting lesson, I wish everyone follows it. Great Job Marisue, there are not many foster parents like you, be the same. Cheers.
Hi cgull8m -well, those were tought/rewarding years. Looking back, I wonder...did we elp? or just maintain? not sure, we did what we could I know that. it took a lot out of us. Would I do it again? Not sure about that either...there's no romance is child abuse, before or after the situation.
thank you for your kind words. they mean a lot!
Hi mariesue,
Great hub. I think children do what they say not what we 'discipline' them to do. So however we conduct our own lives, they imitate that. It's funny how many kids use foul language and one of the parents will be shocked and 'discipline' the child but there's Dad, cussing like a sailor with no one stopping him. I also think if men disrespect their wives they are teaching their boys to disrespect women. Too many men 'kid around' running down their wives in front to their children, and then the kids absorb it like sponges. The boys get the idea women are worth less, the girls get the same idea and lose confidence.
If parents would read more themselves, not even to their kids, just read where their kids could see it mattered ot them and they did it--turn off the TV and read and discuss things--then our schools would improve without changing a teacher or a pencil.
Punishment is a very derogatory word, but we can all agree that kids need discipline. The problem some parents have is that they often cross that thin line on many occasions and it's usually because of what's going on in their world like problems on the job or with the spouse, and the kids sometime get caught in the warpath. Reading this hub reminds me of the poem about what kids learn from what we teach them. Good hub!
Hi pam, I think you hit it right; I've seen parents "box" the begeebers out of kids for cussing while they're telling them off with the same words. ???? is that nuts????
that makes my blood boil, but on a lesser level, thankfully, kids are resilient and we don't have to be perfect examples; I sure wasn't nor am -- I think reading is hugely important. Kids just need to hear the language that is in books and magazines. I used to read the kids "game" books out loud...some of those pages were pretty intense reading.(computer games techo stuff...)
But. they liked hearing it out loud. I didn't. O well. LOL Parents rarely do anything with books and kids anymore, I'm always glad to hear that some still do and you can tell a difference in the kids, too.
I certainly agree about the way men talk to wives, or girlfriends. My boys had have arguments with girls and yelled at them and man I'm all over them when that happens. If they argue now...they keep it from me. ha I normally say -- "no matter what the issue, if you're calling your "lover" names, your wrong."
Men have a huge responsibility to teach sons how to treat a woman. It's kind of passed up skill. Personally, I like a little chivalry. I'm a sucker for gentle. LOL
always glad when you stop by, Pam =)) Pam, from space... =)) is welcome on my planet.
Hi talented...It's hard to be a good example all the time; but if we can hit the majority, and apologize for the goofs, most kids turn out just fine...the world is such a huge influence now...screaming and teaching that rules don't matter, other's don't matter, only what they "want."
scarey, I want the kids to know how to be good neighbors, mind their OWN business more. Seems like "we" as in the world think we have to mix into other's "koolaid" all the time.
parenting, is not easy. period. lots to think ahead about...lots to teach. =)) thanks always for reading "me." =)
Hi marisue! You and all the other foster parents in the world are true heroes as far as I'm concerned. You have given so many children the love and opportunity that they might not otherwise have had. I agree with everything that has been said in your hub and these comments.
Children look at the adults in their lives as the examples and role models. These adults show them what "normal" is by living day to day. The adult's idea of "normal" has tremendous impact on kids. Is it "normal" to call your spouse/kids names?? or beat them?? Or is it "normal" to be kind and thoughtful, considerate, loving and polite??
I have two girls (now grown) and I know that along the way I've made a mistake or two. But I've always practiced honesty, humility (like you said, "apologized for the goofs"), mixed with unconditional love, and let them know in 100 different ways that they can count on me, no matter what. I think they've grown up to be wonderful women.
I have no doubt....you're a great mom!
Thank you Pam, for your wise words about parenting and being good examples. It's one of the hardest things for parents; our own lives are humming right along often in sharp contrast to what we need to be as parents. Job demands our time; even after 5 - homelife can take a back seat and one day we may find our kids are lost somewhere on the back bench!! Taking time to parent now...is so important. I hope to turn all this into a book called Raising Your Kid. =)) workin' on it!
Well done Marisue. I think parenting is the most demanding, but also the most rewarding job we can ever have. What a shame that so many children cannot be brought up by their own parents because of circumstance. Sadly these things go in cycles, because we learn to parent from our parents! At least children who go to good foster parents get a second chance to learn some sound life skills.
Grreat article giving interesting insights who has dealt with these extreme cases personally, and has some wisdom to impart.
Maurise, From the age of 18 months old, i was in and out of numerous childrens homes and was never fostered which was a shame as you could have been my foster mother lol!!
On a serious note, i fully can relate to all the above desriptions of violence and stealing that you have to contend with!, which i saw everyday growing up with these problem children (including me) and no matter how much these kids were punished, it was help we-they really needed..Because some suffered from mental illnesses that were not diagnosed, such as ADHD and others were only tryng to get attention and knew no other ways to get this other than doing something bad! and doing good things to get attention was just not cool especially with problem children!....Punishment does not help but education and understanding will!
Hi Amanda -- parenting IS the most demanding and important job and sometimes, due to life's pressures, we give it small bursts instead of steady influence. It's over way too soon, hard to undo damage. Foster parents have a small amount of influence only, it takes too much time to build trust. By the time we do...most kids are going back home. It's a tough system for sure! thanks for reading and hope to see you soon.
Hi petexanh - thank you for reading and come back soon!! and thanks for your kind words...what an adventure of fostering we had!!
Hi compu-smart!! I'm very moved that you know first hand what foster kids go through. You are so right!! Kids who had more negative experiences from their negative behavior, only spurred more negative experiences. The dilemma then becomes, what do you do? You can't reward them...sooo we had to be creative...really look for what mattered to them, and give it in ever increasing amounts as they "earned" the good things, by being "good." A very time consuming and twisty road to travel.
Often when I child first entered the home, they only had the basics, food, shelter, safety, clothing. all else is given as they perform according the standards given them Even that, was not perfect. It worked most of the time. Some kids earned things quickly...others took longer. It was amazing how long these kids can live quite comfortably with very little, acting out and staying in that "bare" zone of life. Then, we had to search for motivators. Sigh. It was the impossible dream. LOL
read more at http://www.partnershipinparenting.com
Hi, Marise, you sound like you know what your doing and are the right person for the job which is not easy basically bringing up someones else's children!
You are a true angel, AND thanks for the link, I'm on my way,,,,.NOW!:)
Grat, compu-smart....You can blog there as well if you register; I'll get an email and make you a contributor so you'll have a page to write on...
I post to that site everyday or so....similar things here but not the exact same story and much much more; it's gaining google ranking; now a 3 !!! yeaaa and lots of hard work that was!! =)) thanks for your nice words...
Just dropped by, the verbal juice is not with me tonight.
I understand, a good wat to get it back is to read....thanks for stopping by. You might get a lot out of my "hell" series...where I talk about struggles and accomplishments. =))
nice to see you.....come back soon!
Great hub! One of my best friends is a foster parent. She has had many like you and she tends to discipline on a child-by-child basis because what works for one doesn't work for all. I think that goes for all children though. She doesn't work so she has alot of time to spend with the kids. I admire all of you who have foster children. I love going to her house, it's NEVER boring lol. Thanks for sharing with us!
ahahha allshookup, I remember many of my friends would say that ! "Gee, it's always interesting, here." LOL it was a zoo. even as hard as we tried to keep it calm, every moment was a gamble. Someone was always sitting on "blow." haha
thanks for reading and there is more at http://www.partnershipinparenting.com
see you there! =))
Sweett!! sounds like an offer id be "compu-dumb" to refuse!!
:)
wonderful, I'll look for it and let you know when I get it!! =))
Ananta65 3 years ago
Punishing hurts, indeed. I don't like to think in terms of punishment. On the other hand, however, I do think that children need to learn that certain acts have consequences. This evening I had a chat with the son of my love. He was about to do something he wasn't supposed to. And I told him, that if I speeds too often, I will lose my car. That's life: violate the rules and pay the price. So... Punishment: no, consequence: yes. Cause and effect.