Tales From The Badge - A Cop Meets A Bird

A cop has a lot of stress, and one of the requirements, is to take complaints from citizens without losing your cool. Lynn did a great job with that, the townsfolk just loved him. We did too, of course. However, we did tend to get the grumpiness that he couldn't show on the job. Sometimes, I'd beg him to wear his uniform at home so he'd be in a better mood.

Well, he was always sorry for his spoken irritability, and with the passage of time, he's mellowed out. Besides, it was probably all my fault. (ahem, I had to say that in case he reads this...so stay with me here.)

Sometimes my husband is grumpy. There. It's out in the open now. Can I have some sympathy, please? He probably wouldn't deny that, but let's not tell him I said it. Looking back over all the grumpy moments I've had to endure, I just have to share the time when karma came my way.

I'm a patient woman, one of few phobias, and prone to laughter. I'm a complete sucker for gentle. The way to my heart, even though I love good food, is through gentle deeds. I melt. But, my husband forgets that most of the time. At least, on this day in time, he was reminded, and I remain completely innocent. I had nothing to do with it, the gods just have a sense of humor, and upon me that day, they smiled.

It began as most Saturdays. Housework kept us all busy, with Lynn pitching in and doing more than his share. He's a hard worker, but what colors the work disagreeable, is his mouth. Our only son (we later added two drop dead gorgeous babies to our family) was almost nine, and he and I spent the morning dodging verbal bullets from Lynn. "Hurry, put this away before your dad gripes about it." and "Shhh, quick, run the sweeper in here so your dad won't complain."

It became tiresome, and I decided he could just deal with reality as did I. The house was a mess, we were cleaning it up, get OVER IT. What had happened to "Whistle while you work?" Could we not have a little cheer, dear?

Flying around the house like crazy people, we were soon done. My son and I had changed clothes and ran to the car to wait for dear ol' dad to come on out and take us for the promised burger.

I swear now, to tell the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help me God. I now know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God lives and does indeed have a sense of humor.

Taking advantage of the peace and quiet, my son and I were waiting in the car for Lynn to change clothes and take us for food. We were rolling our eyes in memory of his snippy tongue and sharing the frustration of the past 2 hours.

We both watched as Lynn, beloved-daddy, stepped out of the house and onto the front porch. The sun was glaring. Lynn looked towards the car, and took one step off the porch, left leg on the grass, right leg on the porch.

Suddenly, with no warning, a big black shadow crossed Lynn's face and SPLAT!! A huge glob of black and white, really creamy bird dookie landed right on Lynn's forehead and smeared across his nose, dripping onto his chin.

My hand flew to cover my open mouth in an effort to squelch the immediate hysterical laughter that spilled out of my throat. I looked at my son and he, too, was stunned, in silent shock...within seconds, we were shaking with out of control and unsympathetic laughter. Lynn stared at us. The look on his face mobilized my son and he locked both car doors and began to roll up the windows.

Tears slid down my face. I gagged with the effort to swallow. My stomach hurt with spasms. Looking towards the heaven, I tried to spot the bird that had given such a gift. Nada. Smart bird. He was gone.

Lynn turned in one smooth, military style, fluid motion, wisely not touching the black and white smear, and disappeared into the house.

We waited. Tick, tick, tick. Time passed, and time stood still. Exhausted from hysteria, we were now in pain. The car became hot, and looking around for any familiar cop/dad, we slowly opened the door. No dad in sight.

Quietly, he appeared again on the front porch. In clean clothes and not even looking towards the heavens, he made his way to the car with determined steps.

I said nothing, as he got into the car, but i did turn my head away from his lest I smile. My son shrunk - not from fear - but wisdom, into the furthest part of the back seat.

The engine purred at Lynn's command. He was master of his universe. We creeped out of the driveway. I peeked at Lynn with a sly look in his direction. He peeked back. My son peeked at both of us from the back seat.

I cleared my throat and Lynn slammed on the brakes, stopping in the middle of the street. "Laugh!" he ordered.

Silence.

"I said Laugh! Just get it over with." His lips were twitching.

"We can't laugh. We're all laughed out." But that was not true, as we all dissolved in a puddle, including Lynn.

Where was my camera for all posterity? The other two sons missed this magnificent moment in history, when a cop was given the "bird."

Birdie, Birdie

In the Sky,

Why do you do that,

In my eye?

Ah, sweet justice.

I am Marisue, and I glady write this story. More tales of a cop.