The Art of Communication

To curse, or not to curse, that is the question.

Do you curse? Does cursing bother you? Do you wish kids didn't do it? Do you wonder why anyone does it? Are we all just intellectually bankrupt?

I think language is acceptable based soley on our point of reference. If I had reacted every time I heard the F word as a foster parent, I would have never made it past the first few weeks. How are you going to make a difference in anyone's life that really needs the intervention if you're reacting with shock every few seconds? F U C K is just letters, it's just a word. Take away it's power. It's nothing. Then, it has no effect. When it has no effect, it ceases to be useful, and therefore, the use of it declines. All by itself. Like M A G I C.

At the start, I'll have to confess that my prespective on cursing might be different than many Christians, parents, professionals. I hope you'll understand that opening our home up to abused kids and working with families doused with more than their share of stress, anger, and disappointment gave us an exposure to a darker side of life.

Cursing and bad language of kids and their families soon became less of a shock. The main focus of the day was safety for everyone including ourselves. It's hard to worry about the F word when you've got a kid holding a bat in a threatening manner, or his hands are around the throat of your pet, or he/she is cutting up clothing that they don't like, and then they just happen to point the scissors in your direction.

I'm going to worry about their cursing of God? Not today.

I have my personal values. In a Cinderella world, wouldn't it be loverly to introduce all mad, angry and abused kids to God. Here's their typical response: "(Snort!!) ...GOD??? Now what has GOD done for me? Why did He let me go through this? Why did HE not help my parents, etc."

Talk to the family that spent 18 years or more in a cellar recently about God. (Josef Fritzl, Austria) Explain to them why He let that happen. Hell, ('scuse the language) I don't even know why He let that happen...how am I going to explain it to them? Don't you imagine someone somewhere is cursing about that "cellular" experience? We're going to say, "Now, now, please don't curse God in front of me?"

They do not want to hear about GOD, they want answers to their problem today . If they even believe in God, they're mad as Hell at Him. Sorry, if you can't stand that bit of reality, then that's probably why you're not a foster parent. Give money instead, everyone can help.

I may know God is not responsible for their pain, but they do not nor can they understand. It would be like you talking in Chinese to me. I would become frustrated, if that was how I had to function in the days ahead...how could I understand that which I have never heard?

Action not re-action. They need action. They need examples. They need patience and time. They need maturity and they don't need preaching.

Many well meaning friends would say "I would not have a child in my home that used such language."

My reply? "Ok."

Now, what? I'm the foster parent, I know their situation, I'm hired to help. Thank GOD, there are those families that can withstand the storm of cursing. Otherwise, were would all good abused children go?

Sorry for the sarcasm, but the attitude of language just has to be scaled down to one of reality. There are bigger battles to fight. And, guess what?? When the stress comes down a few notches, the stomachs are filled with good food, they have clothing and cleanliness to help them feel good about themselves, they have a few new friends, they re-unite with safe family and friends, they succeed in school at least once in a while, they receive a bit of professional counseling, they are exposed to parents who talk and laugh with them, they play a few games....the cursing begins to disappear all on its own.

I don't have to do a thing. Well, at least not specifically about their language. I'm doing lots of other things.

And, just maybe, while we're having a moment of conversation before they go to bed, during routine family talk time, we might be able to sneak in a quick suggestion about replacing the F word with something else creative and acceptable. They often enjoy the challenge of coming up with their own unique word. Some words over the years that kids came up with ON THEIR OWN were:

Frock, Frick, Fellow Human Being, Fake, Freak, Frog, Freakin', Folks, Feathers.

There were many more but the above was turned into a tongue twister; the whole family had fun with that tangled phrase. Say it fast 5 times. Or, better yet, use the whole phrase as the substitute for F#$@! Letting the kids laugh at themselves, or decide they needed to improve was progress.

Cursing? It's here to stay, but it declines when stress does; there are worse things. Like violence. Do I like it? No. Do I do it? Sometimes. Was it in my home for years? Yes. Did I like it? No. We did deal with it, on a case by case and moment by moment basis. Keep the kids, help the situation, and lose the attitude about cursing.

Now, not to offend the religious right, but I have found that it's those people who've never been yanked out of their comfort zone that think cursing is the number one insult to God. Trust me, I think He's far more concerned about actions that hurt others such as murder, rape, anger, murder, rape, stealing, anger, drugs, murder, rape. Oh, yeah, war. And then there's always those pesky dishonest politicians.

Cursing may be on the list, but it's quite a bit of distance from the top. I think God would prefer, now I don't speak for Him, but then neither do Most Christians who profess to know Him, but I think God would prefer we show love, help others with ACTIONS, and get over the attitude with the "language barrier."

I have yet to see, and of course I've only lived 5# years, but I've been in the foster care field for 20 of those years and I can say that I've never ever seen one of the people who were disturbed about cursing ever become a foster parent and enter that war zone. Yet, they had lots of advice for the soldiers on the front line of that particular battle.

The ivory towers of perfection are full. I guess there's no room for me or the hurting, abused kids and families who say the F word.

Cursing eventually took a back seat, for many kids. Maybe we didn't make a lot of difference. But, we entered the room.

Read more of Marisuewrites here.