The Importance of Optimism, A Foster Parent's Story

I have a story to tell. As a foster parent of over 18 years, and after parenting over 250 kids and teaching classes for 13 years, plus counseling adoptive families and families in crisis, I've been inspired to create a series entitled "Hearts Apart " and I hope you will enjoy these tales, shed a few tears, get a little mad and perhaps find pieces of yourselves within the heart of others.

As a foster mom, I've been exposed to hundreds of negative, real-life dramas, and saw more than I wanted of abuse, violence, hate, anger, pain, depression.

Why did I put myself in that situation? I'm not sure. Most of the problems I ran across in dealing with families in crisis were much bigger than I. It was often over-whelming. When I was in my teens and twenties, I totally ignored child abuse, whether real or in the movies or in a book. I couldn't deal with it. Those stories of kids in pain, and families injured kept me awake at night, causing me to be totally dysfunctional.

The Decision

Then, one day my "cop" husband and I decided to do something.

In my early thirties, we became foster parents, thinking we could make a difference. Of course, we didn't even make a dent in the overall need. But, individually, we at least provided a safe haven, hopefully a good example of cheer and coping, and taught a few kids how to survive and even laugh.

I know I spent a lot of time in private, crying a river of tears and stomping around in anger at specific flaws in the child care system. Overall, we found the state child care systems to be much more responsive than private foster care facilities, but that's another story.

Teaching

A few years into being a foster parent, my gift of gab and penchant for writing became noticed by a few people in the state office, and I was offered a job training foster parents, and later clinicians and social workers, specifically about the concepts of separation and placement, child development, and the impact of the stages of grief on kids. These classes were designed to help parents and mental health professionals understand, predict and classify the behavior of kids in care. The system had never looked at the behavior of kids in care as "normal" under the circumstances, nor had it labeled and described the behaviors in ways that would associate it with certains stages of grief. It was enormously helpful to all. Oklahoma became a pilot state for a program that was actually focused on family re-unification. First, we had to understand and dissect the problem the families were having.

The curriculum, though in it's infancy, was hot off the press from Cornell University and stamped with approval from The Child Welfare Institute out of Washington, D.C. I was able to bring in the reality. And, I did. Soon, I was in high demand. Other trainers could not provide my stories, and the state university accepted my additions. At the time, I was the only non-degreed foster parent teaching degreed students, even in the nation.

Even later, my degree in elementary education did not impress those with Master's in Social Work, or even the PHD's in Psychology, at first glance. However, my stories and knowledge of the child and families, did.

I wasn't out to impress them, but you better be able to because they are a tough group.

Thank God for my dramatic creativity, I did put on a show for the 3 day seminars. Instinctive wisdom coupled with the strong desire not to be intellectually devoured by those students in the room, I used facilitating skills and survived. I was determined to stay on topic, which also helped.

The Value of Optimism In Achievement

One constant thread became apparent. No child improved, nor family changed their behavior and moved towards family re-unification without optimism . The challenge was transfering optimism to those in need.

In Hearts Apart, you will read how we became closely acquainted with optimism, and the art of modeling and giving it. Perhaps it will help you in your own life. My husband and I became proficient in doing so, and over the next 15 years, I taught hundreds of classes in parenting, grief, domestic violence and how to change behaviors in kids and families in crisis.

Empowerment was a big buzz word in the 80's. The first step in helping others to become empowered is giving hope, optimism, and belief that not only could they do what they must, they must do what they could.

When kids are abused, and wives (I use wives as the victim of domestic violence for this discussion) are victims of domestic violence, hope disappears. When hope disappears, there is no power to change. "Were there is no vision, the people (do) perish." -Proverbs 29:18

Giving Optimism

But, how do you give someone, especially one living in the middle of depression and defeat, optimism?

It's not easy, neither is it impossible. If one does not believe in their own power to change, they won't. The road in front of them leads to nowhere, and the individual suffering continues to suffer. Life deteriorates. Their lack of hope breeds more lack of hope. If a person stays in that dark mental hell hole for years, it's very hard to bring them to the light of optimism. Yet, when they get a whiff of the aroma of pleasure, the hope of tomorrow, the power of their own ability to improve their life, oh, the places they will go!

In our home, we gave optimism in little doses every waking hour. It came out in our speech, our tone of voice, our physical stance, our facial expressions.

We learned to be specific when making good comments and thinking out loud. We spoke our thoughts and kept negative volume down, and dramatized the good. Our talent for acting, which incidentally is an excellent tactic in defeating depression, was on the level of Academy Award.

Domestic Violence and Child Abuse

Occasionally, in classes and in casual conversations, those who were not close to these situations might ask why we had kids in care who had come from domestic violent situations. I have never seen a spousal abuse case where kids were not removed from the home once the family violence became known. Domestic abuse affects the safety of the children. We see that in the news everyday now, and I'm always surprised if anyone thinks domestic violence and child abuse are two different things. It puts the kids in imminent danger and risk.

In fact, in most states, if not all, a mother who is abused, but will not take steps to leave the home and go to safety, is most definitely at risk for losing her children to state care, even if only temporarily. The state is responsible for the children's safety, once the violence becomes known. They will assist the mother in finding safety, but they will take the kids if she can't act on her own accord. The kids cannot be left in an "at risk" situation. Even if they have not yet been physically harmed, you can bet they are emotionally hurt, which affects all aspects of their life.

Increasing Awareness of Child Abuse

"Let's not talk about it. If we don't, it won't exist." During our foster parenting years, my husband and I gave many talks to public organizations such as Lion's Club, Rotary, and Jaycees, increasing the awareness of child abuse in the surrounding communites. People were often shocked to think of kids being abused in their own small towns; we so often don't see what's right in front of our noses.

Perhaps you are one who doesn't think about it either. I make no judgement...I understand; I was like that myself for years. I hope my stories will bring understanding and awareness to your heart, and perhaps move you to contribute to the needs of kids in care. Not only does the community need to know about local child abuse and domestic violence, there are many actual contributions you can make.

What You Can Do To Give Optimism

I urge you to contact your local child welfare department, and ask about giving new clothing, toiletries, electronics, school supplies, crafts, and hundreds of other items to children and foster families. A very important item of need is tote bags, simple luggage, and backpacks. Most kids arrive at the foster home with their meager belongings in trash bags. That carries a powerful subliminal message of "I'm trash." One of the first items we would have on hand to give to a new foster child, was a tote bag of their own.

Contrary to popular opinion, foster parents are not fully supplied from the state with the things kids need. And, as you will discover in the stories within Hearts Apart , kids in care are just a tad destructive. They learn to care for their possessions over time, their needs are great.

I no longer foster parent, but I do spend a lot of time writing and talking about it. As hard as foster parenting is, if one goes into it with eyes wide open, I remain, optimistic.

I'm not a hero, and I don't mention any of the above to brag. The heroes are the children, and the parents who make extremely difficult changes in their own behaviors.

See you soon, reading Hearts Apart .