Violence In Kids - Something To Worry About!

Don't you wish teaching kids about how to cope with life's struggles were easier? I've wished that many times. Today, my middle son asked me "Mom, does life get any easier?"

I had a choice, lie and say "oh yes, dear, life's a breeze once you hit 25." or tell him the truth and say that "sometimes the best you can do is just get through the day." I chose the latter. I added "At the end of everyday, spend a few minutes evaluating and thinking of what you can do to make the current situation easier or preventable. Still, there's always something nipping at your heels. Find the joy in the journey, and try not to contribute to your own troubles." I hugged him and thought "He's seeing what life is all about."

Maybe violence has not yet touched your child in any real way, but it's all around us, and chances are your child will either see someone become violent, or witness someone being hurt by violence before they are 15. I'm not talking about what they see on the movies, though we could spend years talking on that issue. I'm talking real life in front of their eyes, shoulder to shoulder in some cases.

From fights in school, on the school bus, or even in the classroom, it's hard to escape anger's influence. Kids see so much of it, that when they get mad, they can strike out at others viciously, not even realizing they're imitating what they've seen and heard.

Our world is violent. We're blessed in America and don't see as much violence on the streets (I'm refering to public safety and talking about situations such as in Israel, Iraq, China, Pakistan, etc. I realize that America is a very violent country when compared to European countries, for instance.) as people in many other countries, but we still see more than is mentally healthy, and it's on the rise. Everyone's got a temper. Few seem to control even small amounts of anger. In my community, I can put on my blinker to turn left and tick off dozens of drivers.

Anger seems fashionable. Listen to those around you talk boldly of how they "told someone off." They "fixed him!" They let them "have it!" It seems getting mad is worn like a badge of honor. I wonder what it would be like to hear "I really passed up that opportunity to tell that guy off. I just walked away." or "I spent extra time smiling and letting that person in my lane, even though they were throwing me the finger, I just waved instead. Man, I feel good."

I guess it does sound kind of dorky. But, that's probably because we don't say it out loud often enough. Don't you think our kids needs to hear some nice things we think regarding the frustrations of life? As a foster parent, or a parent of a child who's got anger problems, you learn to verbalize many positive thoughts. We seem to have no trouble verbalizing the negative ones, and that's my point. What are we talking about, most of the time? Could we possibly be our own worst enemy?

I remember my mother used to say frequently, "Now, Marisue, be nice." I knew what she meant. Nice was defined as the behavior we were not instantly inclined to do, instinctively, you began to work on making "nice" a habit. It was expected. Nice was defined in the observation of your parents. Mine did a good job, as did the neighbors, of choosing the higher road.

It's dangerous and unwise to be such an example of anger to our kids or family. Anger is contagious. So is happiness, but we seem to hit the anger button more rapidly. Every parent I talked with about their abused children ALWAYS said "they made me mad." The home was rampant with domestic violence and often invaded with sexual abuse as well, giving the abuser a feeling of enormous power.

Breaking the cycle of abuse and anger in a family is extremely difficult and widely unsuccessful. Prevention and early intervention is the cure. Soon, I will post a new article about "How To Safely Leave An Abuser." I will say now there is no guarantee of safety in leaving an abusive relationship. However, staying in the abused relationship increases your odds to be injured or killed 10 to one.

Today, there's a lot to be mad about. High fuel costs, rent we can't pay, rude clerks, rude drivers, friends that betray us, lovers that leave us, kids that disobey, tourists with attitudes, people screaming about political differences, wars popping up all over the world. Fighting seems the only way, but I believe we must change it in our kids, in ourselves, in our communities.

We can create a safer environment, if we work on our anger and the anger of our kids and what anger they see around them. Talk about it. When you see anger in your child that borders on out of control, teach them ways to cope. We can look at personal insults in different ways. We don't have to get mad, it IS our CHOICE.

When we begin to see it as a choice, we'll feel it less often. However, I've seen people who seem to be addicted to anger, haven't you? In that case, often professional help is required. Yet, I continue to find that most of us can control our tempers and the level of anger in our lives.

Remember that commercial "Don't get mad, get Glad?" (It was about Glad plastic wrap.) You might picture containing your anger, with glad. Wrap it up! Put it somewhere else, and then take pieces of what has angered you, deal with that one piece, repeating until all the pieces are managed or changed. I used "glad wrap" in an anger management class I taught some years ago. The participants later reported that wrapping up their anger helped them realize to stay in control was possible, and they enjoyed feeling happy instead of ticked off so much of the time.

Dealing with kid's anger, as foster parents, was scarey, difficult and sometimes impossible. The older the child, the harder it is to change learned behaviors. The more exposure they've had to violent situations, the less chance anyone has, including psychiatrists, of helping the child/adult find healthier ways to express their feelings.

Welcome to the Hell of Foster Care/Child Abuse/Domestic Violence, pick your poison:

Eight year old David was in and out of foster care for 10 years. His mother abandoned him, his father ignored him, preferring alcohol as his friend and social interaction. David had little success with anger management and was jailed for violence as a young adult.

Twelve year old Sandy was in foster care for 5 years, and turned to drugs, early pregnancy, and jail eventually. Her baby was adopted by the birth father and has a chance for a "normal" life.

Three year old neglected Richard was mentally handicapped due to poor pre-natal care, abused and neglected from living in filth, and placed in foster care while the parents learned how to parent and clean house He went back 6 months later to the same situation, with little chance of survival, long term.

Mike was 16 when placed in our home. He had been adopted by his white collar (I make that distinction to illustrate that it's not always blue-collared families with kids in foster care.) parents when he was 3, and should have had a gifted life. He was a tall, blonde-haired boy with a smile that would light up the world; his blue eyes always searching for love. Mike's adopted mother later had 2 children by birth, and Mike was shoved to the back. Child welfare found him one day, tied up in the front yard as one would a dog because he "tended to wander off." The family was given preventive supervision and anger management classes by professionals.

Mike was in our foster care for a year, from the age of 16 to 17. We helped him get a car, and a job. He stole my jewelry, and sneaked out of the house constantly. Later, he was put in jail for 5 years for assault, theft, and drugs. Finally, out of jail and employed again, Mike settled down with a wife and 2 kids. His chances of being a good father are about 1 in 1000. He can be the exception, if he works on it every minute of every day.

Karl was placed at a boys ranch when he was 12. He had witnessed the suicide of his father at 6. In and out of anger rages, he was in fights everyday. Eventually, he learned to let physical work on the ranch be an outlet for his feelings. He gave the greatest hugs and had a quick sense of humor. He later joined the Army, and was killed in Iraq.

I could go on, over 250+ times, a story for every child.

In summary, I'd have to say that managing anger is important, crucial. But, even more important, is teaching kids how to not get angry in the first place. There won't always be a punching bag to hit, or someone to listen. We have to be our own best friend, and decide to get mad or not. I choose not, most of the time. I hope my kids will make that choice, though they still struggle with anger. It's a tough world, and I think this is one of our most important challenges.

Are you easily frustrated? Are your kids? I hope you will consider ways to contain anger and help our kids learn to cope. (Click the link for ways to do just that.)