Worried? It's Ok! I've Got Your Back When You Hit Your Bottom!

The following words of wisdom are the ramblings of a female in the latter days of life, marriage, parenting, and the American Dream.

There's a lot I don't know. I admit it. The older I get, the less I worry about what I don't know. Remember the old adage (adage is a short saying that transmits wisdom. Isn't it Interesting how wisdom is always in "short sayings." Guess that means talking too much isn't wise...ahem, surely that's not ME ??)

Now, I forgot the old adage...oh, yeah, ";What you don't know won't hurt you." I wouldn't say I agree with that, Palin is a perfect example of being hurt by what she doesn't know. I think some of what I didn't know, hurt us too. Unfamiliar paths can be places where fools meet, tho' maybe it's only the fool who tarries too long.

In daily life, though I am always on a quest for knowledge, I've changed a lot. Now, I don't have to "be the best" anymore. I've never been a competitive person with others, but I do take myself to task frequently, striving for better, more, quality not quantity. Like most of us, we probably beat ourselves up way too much. I'm more content to do the best I can, it's enough.

There's something comforting about getting older, another old adage "Too soon old, too late smart." We don't get do-overs, and while I understand we learn from our mistakes, I'd have to say there are some mistakes I wish I hadn't made. I'll name a few, but only a few, because living in the past makes you bottom out, yet it is the past that gives us wisdom.

Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart

Mistake #1: I wish I'd saved more money. Now, perhaps it's considered odd or materialistic to name that first. So, let's just say the mistakes are not in order of priority, but I do put a lot of priority on this goof. Spending unwisely affects every part of your life. It has lasting affects and interrupts your future. I just wish I had listened to my wise but miserly uncle, who I thought at the time was enormously selfish. He was, but he always had money. I guess because he never gave it away.

I like to think that I'm not rich in cash because God knew I'd help others, so I didn't need that test. However, there is a slight possibility, ok maybe more than slight, that I'll stand before the Great Judge one day and he'll turn on the high tech video, that evil little recorder that never requires a new tape so they don't miss a second of our lives, and it will show me the times when I was sitting right next to millions had I just made a wiser decision. I'm slow tempered but I think that will piss me off.

Mistake #2: I wish I had paid more attention to the "now." I should have memorized every moment of my children's cutesy life; it is too quickly gone. When they're yellin' in your face, or absent from your face, it would be nice to picture those sweeter moments completely. I was so busy caring for them, raising them, cooking dinner, moaning about one thing or another mentally, getting my degree, attending all the kids' events, days blurring, that I think I missed a smile or two.

I tried hard to be a good parent. I know I couldn't have loved them more. Then, or now.

Mistake #3, or not: Next, now sit back on this one, sometimes I regret having been a foster parent. Don't hate me. Let me say now, that we had many good times, even hysterical ones, either because it was so good, or so bad.

Before we get to the hard part of it, here's what I learned, and maybe it was the reason behind all that we have done. I'd like to say I've got a nice blueprint fresh from heaven, I know just where to turn at the next fork in the road, I've got it. God's guiding. I'm the co-pilot, all that jazz. Well, if God was guiding, He sure as Hell took me down some God-awful roads. Hang on, here, I'm getting to the good part. That's exactly what life is all about. I've learned something valuable, if I share with anyone nothing else, this is the most important concept. To understand it will get you through everything that's coming.

When Bad Things Happen To Good People

WE ARE HERE TO LEARN AND FEEL MISERY, SO THAT WE MIGHT HAVE JOY. Misery is not part of heaven, so how can you learn it there??

To understand eternity, our purpose, the "why's" of life, we have to experience it all. So, if you, OR ME, are spending our time whining about all the woes and there are many, and I have whined, and I hate the hellacious happenings of murder and lies and deceit and illness, we need to realize, this is not the Garden of Eden. If we gripe and we will, it's natural, but if we let it all depress us, we are missing the point of our life. We are complaining about the very thing God is allowing to happen. He's with us...but He won't prevent all the misery. That's not to say we don't have a measure of control. We have choices, we make mistakes, we learn. I've had miracles happen in my life. And, I've had times when they didn't. I don't get to choose, and neither do you. I don't pretend to command God, He does what He does, and I try to accept it, with faith that it's all going to work out in the long run, as He promises.

Choices - Mistakes

We may know the general direction we need to go, but we never (seldom) know exactly what to do. Think about that. We just don't, I don't care how much you pray, consult with others, ask your friends, the preacher, the teacher, the dog or the doctor, you get no guarantees. If you do, then please share your formula, it's not nice to keep it to yourself. I've had the solid feeling of "right" and it turned out to be wrong, or at least partially. Other times, I've had the solid feeling of "right" and it turned out well. What's the difference?

If I knew, I'd write that book.

Miracles happen, I love them, don't we all? Of course, the very nature of the miracle is that it's unpredictable.

We're not alone, I truly know that, even in our misery. We can find joy, and it comes with realization that stuff happens. Sieze the moment. My counsel with foster kids who just wanted their pain to go away, was "stop the blame, accept what happened, find the joy in today, hope reigns. You can live a happier life when you let go of blame and hate."

Jumping into Foster Parenting, our goal of helping others made us feel good...and it brought my two youngest sons into our lives, the sweetest babies in the world. Of course it was worth it just for that...

Yet, I had no idea how much it would require from me, mentally, physically, professionally, and spiritually. Like a thief, always taking, robbing us. Foster parenting, though noble in theory, put us on a stage. We were bugs in a jar, on display for the state, our neighbors, abusive parents, real child molestors. Our time was often not our own, our laughter hollow, and stress was ever present, causing us to re-fill our emotional banks often, sometimes only depositing imagination. I wonder who we helped. Most of the time, it seemed we made no difference for the future. Yet, we stayed in the program, 20 years we kept going. The average foster parent lasted 2.5 years, then, now, 18 months. Why? I think you can figure it out; the cost is enormous emotionally, financially, physically, spiritually.

I'm not a hero, we believe in being long-suffering, and maybe we were just a bit stubborn. We believe in today, tomorrow. Now, I'm writing the stories of those in care, those who abused, those who created the system of care.

Maybe while I'm watching that video in heaven and hitting myself in the forehead with the "Wow, I cudda had a V-8" moment, and as I touch those missing millions next to me, I'll be visited by a child or family that will say, "thank you, you made a difference to me." Just one will work, I'm not greedy.

During those years, we learned to pretend, yet that was not necessarily a negative. It was a huge coping skill. I tell my kids now, "You are feeling down? You hit your bottom? What would you do, if you weren't flat on your ass? What would you feel like, if you weren't feeling like you're in the pit of Hell? Ok, then do that!" Pretending works, and at a certain level, it kicks misery's butt.

Does life have to be perfect or everything in order, before we can have joy? If so, re-think. If my life is any indication, if I'm even close to "normal" we're all on our bottoms; skewered, stuck on the "ick" stick. As harsh as it sounds, some of my best advice to foster kids living in the blue zone, was "get over it." Foster parenting taught me a very important lesson: some things you just can't "fix." But you can always make do, change your feelings, think it "better." No one can "make it better," until they "think it better." I went into foster parenting packing an entirely different goal than the one I carried years later, and at the end. No cures offered, just teach them to cope. Let time help out, live today.

I wonder, though, had I not introduced that activity to our family, perhaps we would not have had to cope with so much, ourselves. Was it fair to my kids? Did we bottom out too often?

On the flip side, foster parenting showed us life at it's worst and best. I learned misery is part of the people in the house next door, that hungry children are in our own town, that the smiling man or woman, may not be what they seem. We learned to reach out, to think and work on a worthy cause. We learned to give until it hurts, and to love ourselves, to be grateful.

We learned that God doesn't fix all families all the time, sometimes it's left up to us, and He'll help along the way. I learned that we couldn't say to the kids "God loves you" and expect it to be enough. If you don't understand that, the next homeless person you see on the sidewalk, stop and tell them "God loves you" and walk away. Then, look back to see if their life is any different, yet. What, no miracle? I'm not being sacreligious, I'm being honest and real. When kids and families are on their bottom, you don't have their back until you help their front. Meaning, food in their stomachs, safety in their day, happy experiences that put hope in their head. Happiness is a process, not an event. It involves you, me.

The love of God is action, not an instant cure for misery or tough times, it's not passive or the mere saying of words to a person suffering, that is not good enough. We learned to put charity in our actions; the kids weren't interested in talk.

So, maybe foster parenting was a good thing, but it did kind of give me an attitude.

Mistake #4: Worrying about climbing the corporate ladder. Titles and careers are no longer on the front burner, I've found that responsibility never equals pay, stress never comes down from the top rung on the ladder, and co-workers will eat your lunch. Literally. So, just give me a job and send me a paycheck, then, with a smile, let me go home at 5.

Mistake #5: Spending too much time trying to "make it." Riches are not required. I gave up on the lottery; my ship came in alright, but it was battered and leaking; making it is often just surviving the moment; if you can do it with a smile, you've graduated with high honors.

Mistake #6: Expecting order. It's not always possible to put chaos to order, especially in the life of another (our own?). When I found the cat in the refrigerator, molasses in the dryer, red fingernail polish all over my kids and the dog having been salt and peppered, I began to see it as enormously funny, even normal, though never preferred.

Finding a foster child peeing out of the upstairs window, I settled for helping foster kids cope instead of curing their ailments of the heart, (or mind?).

Mistake #7: Not saying "no." Not putting myself first at least once in a while. It's ok to say no. Now I know the value of me. I work, I play, I write. I am. Many years, I was someone else. Definitely I was on call. I'm learning to sleep.

Life learned: I must like life all mixed up, I'm surrounded by chaos so often it has become welcomed. I value odd things, one of which is my love of the craziest dog. He's the most expensive dog in the world, as no one could buy him. This mixed up heinz 57 baby, is smarter than a thoroughbred (with the exception of my mom's Guide Dog, but he's a close second). I find myself minding the dog, and it's a good life.

If you're worried, if you've hit your bottom, I hope my ramblings have helped you, I hope I "had your back." Be your own best friend, do the right thing, take care of yourself and those you love, concentrate on the important happenings. Be a good citizen, love your fellow man in spite of differences. If you believe in God, know that He's there, life is ok. We can't do it all, that's His job. I gladly leave it to Him. I make enough messes.

I'm not pushing "pre-destination." I know we have choices on much of our life within certain boundaries. I am saying that we should focus on the can-dos, the must-dos. We are accountable, expected to use our intelligence for the good of ourselves and others.

Hell happens, the door out of hell is not always quick or easy, but it is there. Help yourself, help your neighbor. Not being able to do it all, doesn't mean we should do nothing. We can do one thing. Everyday, we can do one thing. And, we must.

When you hit your bottom, who has your back? I hope I did, for awhile, today. Often, it's none other than you. You can do it.

I am Marisue, and I write, even on my bottom.